I love you

David and I went to Niagara Falls to stay over for the night just to get away from the crazyness of our lives and spend some quality time together. We headed down to the Falls with absolutely zero traffic with the sun pounding on our faces. Once we arrived, we managed to find amazing $5.00 24 hour parking and had lunch together. We then checked into our gorgeous room at the Hilton and then spent the rest of the evening walking around Clifton Hill hand in hand being little tourists. We visited the Wax Museum and Ripleys Believe it or not and some gift shops. We then went back to our room to change for a romantic dinner. Once we left the restaurant we were walking back to our hotel and i hear in the background, Falling for you-Colbie Caillet...that was the song i told David i used to listen to when i knew i was in love with him but too chicken to say anything. That was probably my favourite part. We came back to the room to a beautiful jacuzzi bath full of bubbles and candles and spent the rest of the evening together. We then woke up to a terrific breakfast and we walked around the falls.

It was the most perfect weekend and i had seemed to fall in love all over again with the greatest guy ever! He's my rock, my pillar of support, and most importantly my best friend. I love you.

TTFN

Anxiety Scale: 1.4

...but i will not crumble

Well this is day 2 of me being home from a brutal ass sore throat that is making me very blue.

However! i finally got up on the whitney houston-oprah interview. So i cried...obviously, just because she's so incredibly amazing, but if you haven't heard her new album...GET IT! probably one of the best purchases i've made in a while.

Although all i have is a sore throat and i'm oober bummed about it...just hearing her lyrics and hearing her form...i swear my throat got better. She's such a remarkable woman...who found the strength to get out of a relationship that went sour. She did take her time...but she left when she was good and ready. I relate that to my own issues sometimes with anxiety. I have my days where i think i'm just going to be anxious the rest of my life and nothing will ever change. Then there are days where i seem to find the strength to get my ass in gear and start fighting this 8 year battle. This whole throat sitch is making me stressed because i can't afford to miss class...however when you're in radio...you sorta need your voice...and i also don't want to get anyone else sick...not like i'll be sticking my tongue down anyone's throat...but you never know.

It's amazing the affect that music can have on me. Music is what has gotten me through some really tough break-ups and friendships. Whether it's Adele, Whitney, Taylor Swift, Beyonce, or even Dallas Green...lyrics just speak to me in ways that no one else i know can. Music can also make me realize how good my life really is. Falling for you by Colbie Caillet makes me realize how i felt when i started falling in love with my boyfriend and i was too chicken shit to tell him. Or Strength by Whitney Houston when i realize how much progess i've actually made when its come to my anxiety. Another song would be Best Day by Taylor Swift from her old album but it reminds me of my mom and how she's always been there for me.

Yes...one interview with Whitney and Oprah and these are all the thoughts that start going through my mind. Hopefully after a little visit to my naturopath she'll give me something for my throat because i can't miss ANOTHER day of school...cause shit will hit the fan!

TTFN

Anxiety Scale: 5.7 (kinda high)

Extreme composition

After a lovely 3 hour service at synagogue (ugh!) i spent the day working on my photography assignment for class. Although i'm in radio...apparently taking pictures is a huge deal.

So i went around my neighbourhood getting different angles, going to different parks, with vitamin water in hand and decided to destroy the neighbourhood. I think i got some decent shots but what do i know? like i said, i'm in radio!

Last night i had my rosh hashanna din din where 13 members of my family graced us with their presence. To my surprise there was a new member of the family. My uncle brought his golden-doodle puppy named Hank to the festivities. Pretty much one of the most adorable dogs i have ever seen! He has such a personality it's incredible!

We ate tons and tons of hungarian food and of course a lovely toffee apple cheesecake from yours truly! It was also my grandfathers 85th birthday! which was a huge milestone due to the fact that about 2 months ago he went in for a double bi-pass and a valve replacement.

My pictures consisted of a lot of squirells...i like squirells...they're cute and fuzzy...i hope my prof likes squirells...or else i fail!

I also got to see my friend Amber today who i haven't seen in 3 weeks and it was the high-light of my day...aside from my fabulous boyfriend meeting me at the park to give me a kiss in his suit and tie! haha it was amazing!

ttfn

Anxiety Scale: 3.5

If i could create a place that's my own world.

And I'm back!

It's been a while and a lot has gone on...too much to even begin to type out

School has started...amazing!

Wicked program with a lot of awesome people. We're all aquantances...and feed off eachother in some way.

I have a little crew...no big! Good friends are hard to come by but i see potential.

One girl to begin with...one word to describe her....exquisite! So full of life and energy...confidence through the roof...much love!

Finally reached a milestone in my life that took long enough to reach...but i stuck to my morals and went for it when i felt it was right. One word to describe that moment...true.

Slowly adapting to my new surroundings and the new 4-walls that i call my second home...loving it so far.

In previous posts i've talked about love and my boyfriend....but in all honesty...i think i finally learned what true love is.

Side effects:

1. Warm and fuzzy

2. Feel like floating

3. Thinking of your partner...all smiles

4. You miss them once they leave

5. Wild energy between the two

6. It's epic!

Currently listening to John Tesh via computer through my new headphones...balla!

Side Note:

I HATE KANYE WEST

sorry...needed to be said.

My writing is a little different then my previous posts....it's cause my thoughts are squirelly so this is how they're coming through.

Saw someone get anxious today...i helped without letting my own issues get in the way...feeling: impowerment!

Another sidenote:

I can't stand when people ask, "Have you fucked yet?" fucking is fucking...no emotional attachment...no passion...just two people humping like jack-rabbits.

It's sex...i'm not 65 so i wont say making love...but it's sex....if you're with you're partner and you love them...you're having sex....you're not fucking! However...super horny...wanna get it on...you prefer to say fuck cause it sounds more raw...by all means! Just don't say it to me.

It's getting cold outside.

I'm really thirsty.

Gwen Stefani is singing in my ears.

Seeing a hypno-therapist for my anxiety...wicked!

TTFN.

Anxiety Scale: 3.4

Cruisin together...

After a wonderful Hungarian meal at my grandparents last night, i decided i had a lot on my mind and i desperately needed to clear it. So what do i do when i have so many thoughts jumbling around in my little noggin? i go for a 2 hour drive all over the city listening to music and let my thoughts go wild.

I started off in Thornhill where i wandered around the areas of my childhood where i grew up, followed by coming back to my area and heading to old places where i used to have dates with my ex boyfriend. After that i headed downtown just to see the beautiful scenery, then somehow wandered into China town, and then i ended up back home safe and sound.

I was listening to tons of relaxing and slow songs just to make myself feel more comfortable and at ease so i could think more clearly...and boy did it work.

I spent a lot of timing reflecting my birthday week and my party and my friends...but i also thought about my past and present relationships and what they really mean to me. My party was pretty good...i really wish the people who said they'd come could have because when you expect about 20-30 people to show up and only 18 arrive...you get a little disappointed. Sorta reminds me of my 11th birthday when i invited maybe 10 kids and only 4 showed up...i know...really, really sad. You sort of have to learn to let it roll off your back...but i think to myself...i'm 20 years old now...do i still have to wonder if my really good friends are going to have my back? it's sort of pathedic. You still have to put them up to tests to see if they'll really be there for you? Some of my friends showed up later whether it was due to work or some other obligation but atleast they showed up.

There's a lot of things i wanted to accomplish before i hit 20 and one of them was to defeat my anxiety...obviously i'm not there yet....but another huge thing was to realize who my TRUE friends are....and it's so sad that out of the 40 or so i hang out with....it's still really hard for me to pin point who will be the ones that will stick around through the long hall. In my head i have about 5 or so...that's sorta sad....out of 40? yeesh. My friend EG asked me why i have such high expectations on my birthday...why do i want so much? Well i have a perfect answer for that....out of the 364 days of the year i'm there for everyone...you need me i'll be there at the drop of a hat...the one day out of the year it's my birthday...i guess i sort of expect people to do the same for me. Sure, things come up and i completely understand that...the whole world doesn't revolve around me on May 20th....but you'd think the people who are supposed to be my friends would put in just a little extra effort. For example: EG had to work till 1 am on my birthday...and she told me that no matter what she'll be there at my party....and although it was 1 45 when she arrived...she still showed up to wish me a happy birthday. I appreciated more then anything. Lord knows i wouldn't want to go anywhere after working till 1am...but she gave me her word and she went through with it. That in my eyes....is a pretty damn good friend.

These were the thoughts that were swirling around in my head last night when it came to my friends. When it came to relationships aka boyfriends it was a little different.

My boyfriend pretty much went all out for my birthday...and i had such a horrible anxiety episode cause of my birthday i didn't really get to enjoy it to the fullest extent. He did such an amazing job and although we fought before my party began...we still ended up being together on my birthday...and that's really all i wanted. My ex actually showed up to my party which was sort of funny. Sort of innappropriate but i did invite him so i guess i shouldn't have expected anything less. Although it's soo incredibly hard to really tell how much my bf likes me....with things like this...you can sorta tell. Our next obstacle is to get all that love junk outta the way haha but i have no idea when that's going to happen.

Well i think i blabbed on enough...i have 6 days in a row of good ol' work.

Get Pumped!!!

Till next time......

TTFN

Anxiety Scale: 2.7

Why'd i have to grow up so fast...

Okay so it's the day after the birthday and i didn't think turning 20 was going to affect me so hard haha. I just think about it on the regular and it just boggles my mind that everything has just flown by without me even noticing.

Middle school just flew by and high school was even faster. High school was so amazing and i enjoyed every second of it that i never wanted it to end. University just seemed to sneak up on me and seperated my friends and i and made me rely on myself even more then i already do.

To make myself feel a little better, on Saturday when i'm having my house jam i'm going to play oldie music to bring me back a little bit to the good ol' 90's. The songs mainly remind me of my camp times which was so incredibly amazing. There was no such thing as cool and un-cool and when there were cliques i always tried to spread myself easily amongst both groups and i never saw it as black and white...just rainbows! I remember just being this huge tom-boy playing soccer, basketball, tetherball, and of course always being on stage participating in plays.

I definitly missed the freedom of playing sports...just running to the point where you thought your legs were going to fall off...having a group of guys and girls behind you and protecting you no matter what. Beind on stage was my second home...having the opportunity to be somebody else for an hour or two who is completely opposite from you...it's soo fun!! i have to be Jay Kay for the rest of my life...but i've been blessed enough to be put into the shoes of some very ridiculous characters and it was purely fantastic.

Yet, i went through some pretty tough and annoying stuff when i was a youngster too....i guess maybe 20 wont be too awful. I'm still young....but don't expect me to continue celebrating after my 21st!....man i'm going to be an ugly 21 year old when i'm 95....*shudders*

TTFN

Anxiety Scale: 5.7

Goodbye teenage years...

Well today is officially my last day as a teenager. Tomorrow is my 20th birthday and i'm slightly depressed about it. I have no idea where the past 6 years of my teenaged life has gone...it was awkward, sad, funny, happy, lovely, and all around ridiculous. I thought graduating high school was going to be my breaking point...but turning 20 is hitting me hard.

Tomorrow night i'm going out with the family and le boyfriend for dinner and getting presents and stuff afterwards. That's the only thing i'm looking forward to really...oh! and the jam this weekend. However, why don't we do a little reflection period shall we...

Ages 11-13:

Awful years! So awkward went through so much stupid drama with girls and boys and middle school that i couldn't wait to get older just so i could leave the misery.

Ages 14-16:

Pretty pimp. First few years of high school, getting my license and my first car with my friends. Endless cruising and break ups and make ups. First base, second base, third base...too funny and of course awkward but great.

Ages 17-19:

Saying goodbye to long-term boyfriends...saying goodbye to friends and graduating high school. Getting into university and trying to make a name for myself with a school of 50 000. Car accidents, dating, new jobs, new friends and of course more car accidents.

Now...20....

Don't know what's in store. All i know is that September i'm starting a new school and a new program. I've been promoted at work to supervisor and i'm in a new long term relationship that's flourishing.

The hardest thing is not saying teen after my age. I guess i finally have to grow up...although deep down inside...i'm still 12 years old.

TTFN

Anxiety Scale: 3.4