After a wonderful Hungarian meal at my grandparents last night, i decided i had a lot on my mind and i desperately needed to clear it. So what do i do when i have so many thoughts jumbling around in my little noggin? i go for a 2 hour drive all over the city listening to music and let my thoughts go wild.
I started off in Thornhill where i wandered around the areas of my childhood where i grew up, followed by coming back to my area and heading to old places where i used to have dates with my ex boyfriend. After that i headed downtown just to see the beautiful scenery, then somehow wandered into China town, and then i ended up back home safe and sound.
I was listening to tons of relaxing and slow songs just to make myself feel more comfortable and at ease so i could think more clearly...and boy did it work.
I spent a lot of timing reflecting my birthday week and my party and my friends...but i also thought about my past and present relationships and what they really mean to me. My party was pretty good...i really wish the people who said they'd come could have because when you expect about 20-30 people to show up and only 18 arrive...you get a little disappointed. Sorta reminds me of my 11th birthday when i invited maybe 10 kids and only 4 showed up...i know...really, really sad. You sort of have to learn to let it roll off your back...but i think to myself...i'm 20 years old now...do i still have to wonder if my really good friends are going to have my back? it's sort of pathedic. You still have to put them up to tests to see if they'll really be there for you? Some of my friends showed up later whether it was due to work or some other obligation but atleast they showed up.
There's a lot of things i wanted to accomplish before i hit 20 and one of them was to defeat my anxiety...obviously i'm not there yet....but another huge thing was to realize who my TRUE friends are....and it's so sad that out of the 40 or so i hang out with....it's still really hard for me to pin point who will be the ones that will stick around through the long hall. In my head i have about 5 or so...that's sorta sad....out of 40? yeesh. My friend EG asked me why i have such high expectations on my birthday...why do i want so much? Well i have a perfect answer for that....out of the 364 days of the year i'm there for everyone...you need me i'll be there at the drop of a hat...the one day out of the year it's my birthday...i guess i sort of expect people to do the same for me. Sure, things come up and i completely understand that...the whole world doesn't revolve around me on May 20th....but you'd think the people who are supposed to be my friends would put in just a little extra effort. For example: EG had to work till 1 am on my birthday...and she told me that no matter what she'll be there at my party....and although it was 1 45 when she arrived...she still showed up to wish me a happy birthday. I appreciated more then anything. Lord knows i wouldn't want to go anywhere after working till 1am...but she gave me her word and she went through with it. That in my eyes....is a pretty damn good friend.
These were the thoughts that were swirling around in my head last night when it came to my friends. When it came to relationships aka boyfriends it was a little different.
My boyfriend pretty much went all out for my birthday...and i had such a horrible anxiety episode cause of my birthday i didn't really get to enjoy it to the fullest extent. He did such an amazing job and although we fought before my party began...we still ended up being together on my birthday...and that's really all i wanted. My ex actually showed up to my party which was sort of funny. Sort of innappropriate but i did invite him so i guess i shouldn't have expected anything less. Although it's soo incredibly hard to really tell how much my bf likes me....with things like this...you can sorta tell. Our next obstacle is to get all that love junk outta the way haha but i have no idea when that's going to happen.
Well i think i blabbed on enough...i have 6 days in a row of good ol' work.
Get Pumped!!!
Till next time......
TTFN
Anxiety Scale: 2.7
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