And we're back...

I know i haven't blogged in quite some time due to the fact that i've been working like a craze-o and my internet has been down. I finally got a new company and my interenet is back up and running...for now.

Things have been pretty hectic lately with work and this working full-time business is totally putting a cramp in my style. The only official day i have off is on Mondays (cause my store is closed) and because it's my only day...i cramp it with any appointment i have to make, or plans, and i don't even get a chance to relax on my day off...it's sort of frustrating.

Well the biggest news that is goin down is that slowly everyone is returning from school and the hood is flourishing again with familiar faces. Now i have to balance not only work and a boyfriend, i have my friends to throw back into the mix as well. I've definitly been slacking in the friendship department because of how busy i am and it's quite irritating.

David came over yesterday where we had a lovely 2 hour chat sesh and we got a visit from my two friends E and S. I freaked cause obviously i haven't seen them in ages and it was just so amazing to know that i'm not completely alone for the next 4 months or so. Although we're all going to be working and others are going to be going for their MCATS and what not, i just hope we're not too old to still goof around and have a good time.

My birthday is fast approaching and i'm getting more and more horrified that i'm going to be turning 20. I mean, i still remember sitting in my backyard with my friend EG and talking about how i can't believe we're 16 and in 4 years we're going to be 20. Now it's less then a month away and my teenage years are slowly disappearing.

Today i was driving past my old high school and i saw all the kids walking around and chatting and getting into their cars to drive home, and i couldn't help but think that, that was me not too long ago. Where the hell did the time go? I still remember my first fight with a friend, my first boyfriend, my first kiss, my first date, my first party, and when i got my license with one of my closest friends. Every single milestone has just vanished before my eyes and it's just unreal.

Funny enough, is that when i was in middle school i always felt so lost because everyone had been friends with eachother from the previous years, where i have moved from school to school. I was always so envious that they had that connection and those ever lasting friendships...and i never thought i'd have that. Now that i'm reflecting on previous milestones i realize that i finally do have that. The good friends that i have now are the ones i've been friends with for nearly 8 years. They've been there through my first boyfriends, my first dates, my first heartbreaks, my license, and they've even been to my brothers bar-mitzvah. I'm so lucky to have these people in my life and although we're all so different and as the years go by we start to develop our own lives...we can still come back to the hood and it's as if nothing has changed.

We all have our own things going on whether it's new friends, new schools, new relationships, but the one thing that hasn't changed is our love and respect for one another.

I can't wait for the summer to finally begin, and this warm weather to stick around longer then one day, and i can hardly wait for our late night coffees, the bar hops, the hooka sesh's, the tanning, the swimming, the car rides to harbour front at 12am, the house parties, the movie nights, and of course the rekindling of our never broken friendships.

I feel like a lot has happened to me in the past 8 months since everyone's left. I've dropped out of school because of the strike at York, i've been working full-time, i've been in a commited relationship, i've been slowly dealing with my anxiety more, i've started to finally come into my own, and slowly discovered who i really am. I thought i went through all the soul searching after Rob and i split but apparently i had more to go. I realized that i have a serious trust issue due to my past experiences with girls in middle school. I tend to give too much and am too afraid to receive anything in return with the fear that people will peace. Knowing now that that's an issue, i'm hoping to work on that more and become the person i want to be. I'm finally talking to someone on a weekly basis about my anxiety to the point where i'm so tired of it defining me. I don't want me to say my name is Jay Kay and i have anxiety, i don't want that to be my title. This anxiety has been my ball and chain. It's preventing me from being the best friend i can be, the best girlfriend, the best daughter, and all around the best Jordi i can be. And i'm confident that in due time this anxiety will finally be put to rest and be buried with every other negative thing that has come my way so i can start off with a clean slate in September where i'm finally doing exactly what i want to do. Until next time...

TTFN

Anxiety Scale: 4.3