I will miss you into a memory

Missing someone can be very time consuming. No matter how hard you to try to forget them you just seem to never stop. I'm not allowed to see a friend anymore because of his relationship issues. This has been the case for 2 years and it still hasn't gotten easier.

I think about you a lot.

I was just thinking about when was the last time i was ever swept off my feet. The only time was you. Even the simple things you did...i constantly had to catch myself from falling. Dinner, gelato, a motorcycle ride...i was done. You were so strong, so in control and such a man...it was just sexy. I never thought you were the most attractive man in the world but your confidence was sexy.

I think about you a lot.

I miss our long talks, i miss making you laugh and i miss making you happy. I wish you could let me make you happy. I love you. I will never be able to be in love with you...but i love you.

I think about you a lot.

But i realize that if things were ever able to change, i feel that we wouldn't be able to start off where we left off. You have hurt me over and over again and i keep falling for it. I promised myself i would never shed a tear for you. I've cried a lot for you. You cheated on me and broke my heart. I cried. You told me we can't talk anymore. I cried. Then you told me we can't be friends anymore. I sobbed.

I need to think about you less.

As time progresses i need to learn to turn missing you into a fond memory. The time i made you the happiest, our time looking up at the stars, our dinners, our nights, our coffee's and even our songs. Everything needs to be locked up and cherished. We will never be the way we were.

Thanks for the memories.

JK

Needs a kit-kat

I'm so overwhelmed I can't even breathe. Do you ever notice the older you get the more stressful things become. Especially money. I'm 21 years old, a full-time student and living at home...you'd think my financial expenses would be minimal. Of course this is not the case. This constant fight of not having enough money is starting to drive me off the deep end. I'm a full time radio broadcasting student, i work part-time for astral media, i manage the promotions and sales for my college radio station, i have my own show every wednesday and i have homework. Please explain to me how you expect me to make thousands of dollars a month?
Everyone seems to be so afraid about growing up because of all the responsabilities and financial obligations they'll have. Well my friends...i might as well be living on my own because i'm up to my eyeballs in bullshit expenses.
When you're a child with a sibling...there always seems to be a comparison. My brother was in college for a year...a year! and he now runs his own business. My brother from the age of 14-18 was in high school like any other kid...sorry let me rephrase that...was enrolled in high school...never seemed to go. Same with college...he hardly went to class...worked most of the time...and that's why he's able to afford things a little better then i can. Technically he hasn't even graduated college...he failed 3 classes and is in the process of making up one so he can get his certificate. I'm a student with a 4.0 grade avg and am working incredibly hard on my education...therefore it's sort of difficult to make so much money.
Most parents want their kids to spend the 8 months of the year focusing only on their education and having the weekends to relax and/or work on assignments. That used to be the case for me...when i was 13. Once i turned 14 i got my first cellphone...my father then said "and how will you be paying for that?" and the rest was history. So technically...i've been paying bills since i was 14 years old. 14! I didn't want to go to school far away because my parents made at home life seem oober glamorous. Free food, no rent, and the comforts of home. If i knew staying at home would cause so much anxiety, stress and angst...dude, let me tell you! i'd be in Waterloo right now eating out of a alphagetti can and loving it.
I'm trying to fulfill the expectations of my parents but at this point in time it seems like it's impossible. They want me to get good grades and work hard in school....but make enough money that i can pay my parents back for whatever and pay all my bills. In what fucked up world are they living in? Where i have a money tree in my room? There's only so much i can physically do. I'm physically and emotionally wiped! The problem with my job in radio...most of the stuff happens during the week and i'm in school. For example: i missed class yesterday to do an event. to make money. this weekend...i have off (shh don't tell my parents) because there are no events. So...what am i going to do? hibernate at school so i don't have to hear them bitch. Isn't that pathetic? I want to relax but i'm too afraid to so i'm going to school.
Give me a break!!

Stupid things

You know when you put so much effort into something and at the end of the day it's not acknowledged?
I prepped myself for 3 days for a big event I had to go to. I spent loads of money, lost a lot of sleep, and cut my diet so i could look my best. After all the effort the one person i wanted to impress more then anything seemed to be the least bit impressed.
I, Jay Kay, never wear dresses...last dress i wore was prom...that was almost 4 years ago. I went out and dropped over $350.00 on a gorgeous fitted, purple mini dress and i got new heals, a new clutch, new makeup and primped, waxed and pampered myself so i could look my very best.
The big event pretty much came and went and although i should have felt like a million bucks...i felt like a nickle.
*sigh*
stupid things.

JK

Back to the future...

Well it's been quite some time since i've written a blog. I don't even know where to begin!!

Well summer came and went quite quickly...actually...huge lie! I felt that April-June was the slowest thing of my life! But July and August flew by like Superman on Red Bull.

So I celebrated my 21st birthday in NYC with my dad which was amazingly fun! Although I did come home to a lovely case of the sickies. Still not too sure what was wrong with me...but it was a weird sensation of wanting to faint every few minutes...not so pleasant.

I then went to Windemere Resort in Muskoka with my lovely boyfriend for our birthdays. We were gone for 3 days and 2 nights and it was absolutely amazing! Wish we were there again! Then of course upon my return...my weird sickies came back. Finally, near the end of June I get a phone call from a man by the name of Paul who offered me a job to work at Virgin Radio in Promotions on the Street Team. I nearly shit myself with excitement and accepted the job right away!

From June-August was just a complete world wind! From tons of events, travelling all over the city, meeting thousands upon thousands of people, and spending some fantastic quality time with le boy...all and all it was a fantastic summer!

A big Mazel Tov will have to be given to my boyfriends brother who got engaged over the summer! Thank G-d! I've never been to a wedding and i'm so jazzed to go! (do people still say jazzed? doubt it).

Working with Virgin Radio has been a mind blowing experience! It made me shed my insecurities to just get out there and just be! It's been absolutely amazing and i'm so honoured to be a member of the team!

I guess the biggest victory next to working for Virgin is I finally conquered my 8 year battle with Anxiety. After a brutal 2 months of exposure therapy...i can officially say...i no longer have vomit phobia! It's a fantastic feeling and it's like a huge weight has been lifted. I'm a stronger person because of it and i wouldn't have gotten through it without the overwhelming support of my family, friends and boyfriend. I will always have anxiety to a certain extent (because everyone does) but aslong as it doesn't control my life...i will be a-okay!

School has begun and i'm in my final year of Radio Broadcasting. We were all welcomed back with a shit-load of responsabilities and assignments! Not only am i a full-time student and work part-time with Virgin Radio, i'm now on the management team for S@Y radio, i have my own radio show Wednesdays @3:00 (go to http://www.sayradio.net/ to listen), and I still have homework. Talk about over-kill!!!!

We've also lost a few good people in our program who no longer have the 'passion' for radio...to them i say: Good luck and we will miss the heck outta you!

It was my 2 year anniversay September 20th and it was a beautiful evening! We went out for dinner to my favourite restaurant where my bf surprised me with a beautiful ring. Now, I've been asking David for a ring for over a year now...and i didn't think he was actually going to get it. Wrapped in a relatively large box i was skeptical. I open the box to see a Holts box (i think to myself...hey it's from Holts...i'll take it!) of course i open it up to see a Raptors Jersey....(now, right then in there i was going to dump his ass haha but i decided to open up the jersey), inside the jersey was a little Tiffany Blue Box...*heart stops* i open the box to see a little pouch *heart sinks* (i thought it was a bracelette) i open the little pouch and a ring plops into my hand *tears form*...i burst into tears and freak out and was overwhelmed with excitement. Needless to say i am the luckiest girl in the world...not because of the ring....but because of the guy who presented me with the ring. This guy has saved my life in more ways then one and i will love him until the day my heart stops beating.

Well, that's it for today...i have to get on writing an assignment for Radio News.

Till next time!

TTFN!

xoox

I love you

David and I went to Niagara Falls to stay over for the night just to get away from the crazyness of our lives and spend some quality time together. We headed down to the Falls with absolutely zero traffic with the sun pounding on our faces. Once we arrived, we managed to find amazing $5.00 24 hour parking and had lunch together. We then checked into our gorgeous room at the Hilton and then spent the rest of the evening walking around Clifton Hill hand in hand being little tourists. We visited the Wax Museum and Ripleys Believe it or not and some gift shops. We then went back to our room to change for a romantic dinner. Once we left the restaurant we were walking back to our hotel and i hear in the background, Falling for you-Colbie Caillet...that was the song i told David i used to listen to when i knew i was in love with him but too chicken to say anything. That was probably my favourite part. We came back to the room to a beautiful jacuzzi bath full of bubbles and candles and spent the rest of the evening together. We then woke up to a terrific breakfast and we walked around the falls.

It was the most perfect weekend and i had seemed to fall in love all over again with the greatest guy ever! He's my rock, my pillar of support, and most importantly my best friend. I love you.

TTFN

Anxiety Scale: 1.4

...but i will not crumble

Well this is day 2 of me being home from a brutal ass sore throat that is making me very blue.

However! i finally got up on the whitney houston-oprah interview. So i cried...obviously, just because she's so incredibly amazing, but if you haven't heard her new album...GET IT! probably one of the best purchases i've made in a while.

Although all i have is a sore throat and i'm oober bummed about it...just hearing her lyrics and hearing her form...i swear my throat got better. She's such a remarkable woman...who found the strength to get out of a relationship that went sour. She did take her time...but she left when she was good and ready. I relate that to my own issues sometimes with anxiety. I have my days where i think i'm just going to be anxious the rest of my life and nothing will ever change. Then there are days where i seem to find the strength to get my ass in gear and start fighting this 8 year battle. This whole throat sitch is making me stressed because i can't afford to miss class...however when you're in radio...you sorta need your voice...and i also don't want to get anyone else sick...not like i'll be sticking my tongue down anyone's throat...but you never know.

It's amazing the affect that music can have on me. Music is what has gotten me through some really tough break-ups and friendships. Whether it's Adele, Whitney, Taylor Swift, Beyonce, or even Dallas Green...lyrics just speak to me in ways that no one else i know can. Music can also make me realize how good my life really is. Falling for you by Colbie Caillet makes me realize how i felt when i started falling in love with my boyfriend and i was too chicken shit to tell him. Or Strength by Whitney Houston when i realize how much progess i've actually made when its come to my anxiety. Another song would be Best Day by Taylor Swift from her old album but it reminds me of my mom and how she's always been there for me.

Yes...one interview with Whitney and Oprah and these are all the thoughts that start going through my mind. Hopefully after a little visit to my naturopath she'll give me something for my throat because i can't miss ANOTHER day of school...cause shit will hit the fan!

TTFN

Anxiety Scale: 5.7 (kinda high)

Extreme composition

After a lovely 3 hour service at synagogue (ugh!) i spent the day working on my photography assignment for class. Although i'm in radio...apparently taking pictures is a huge deal.

So i went around my neighbourhood getting different angles, going to different parks, with vitamin water in hand and decided to destroy the neighbourhood. I think i got some decent shots but what do i know? like i said, i'm in radio!

Last night i had my rosh hashanna din din where 13 members of my family graced us with their presence. To my surprise there was a new member of the family. My uncle brought his golden-doodle puppy named Hank to the festivities. Pretty much one of the most adorable dogs i have ever seen! He has such a personality it's incredible!

We ate tons and tons of hungarian food and of course a lovely toffee apple cheesecake from yours truly! It was also my grandfathers 85th birthday! which was a huge milestone due to the fact that about 2 months ago he went in for a double bi-pass and a valve replacement.

My pictures consisted of a lot of squirells...i like squirells...they're cute and fuzzy...i hope my prof likes squirells...or else i fail!

I also got to see my friend Amber today who i haven't seen in 3 weeks and it was the high-light of my day...aside from my fabulous boyfriend meeting me at the park to give me a kiss in his suit and tie! haha it was amazing!

ttfn

Anxiety Scale: 3.5

If i could create a place that's my own world.

And I'm back!

It's been a while and a lot has gone on...too much to even begin to type out

School has started...amazing!

Wicked program with a lot of awesome people. We're all aquantances...and feed off eachother in some way.

I have a little crew...no big! Good friends are hard to come by but i see potential.

One girl to begin with...one word to describe her....exquisite! So full of life and energy...confidence through the roof...much love!

Finally reached a milestone in my life that took long enough to reach...but i stuck to my morals and went for it when i felt it was right. One word to describe that moment...true.

Slowly adapting to my new surroundings and the new 4-walls that i call my second home...loving it so far.

In previous posts i've talked about love and my boyfriend....but in all honesty...i think i finally learned what true love is.

Side effects:

1. Warm and fuzzy

2. Feel like floating

3. Thinking of your partner...all smiles

4. You miss them once they leave

5. Wild energy between the two

6. It's epic!

Currently listening to John Tesh via computer through my new headphones...balla!

Side Note:

I HATE KANYE WEST

sorry...needed to be said.

My writing is a little different then my previous posts....it's cause my thoughts are squirelly so this is how they're coming through.

Saw someone get anxious today...i helped without letting my own issues get in the way...feeling: impowerment!

Another sidenote:

I can't stand when people ask, "Have you fucked yet?" fucking is fucking...no emotional attachment...no passion...just two people humping like jack-rabbits.

It's sex...i'm not 65 so i wont say making love...but it's sex....if you're with you're partner and you love them...you're having sex....you're not fucking! However...super horny...wanna get it on...you prefer to say fuck cause it sounds more raw...by all means! Just don't say it to me.

It's getting cold outside.

I'm really thirsty.

Gwen Stefani is singing in my ears.

Seeing a hypno-therapist for my anxiety...wicked!

TTFN.

Anxiety Scale: 3.4

Cruisin together...

After a wonderful Hungarian meal at my grandparents last night, i decided i had a lot on my mind and i desperately needed to clear it. So what do i do when i have so many thoughts jumbling around in my little noggin? i go for a 2 hour drive all over the city listening to music and let my thoughts go wild.

I started off in Thornhill where i wandered around the areas of my childhood where i grew up, followed by coming back to my area and heading to old places where i used to have dates with my ex boyfriend. After that i headed downtown just to see the beautiful scenery, then somehow wandered into China town, and then i ended up back home safe and sound.

I was listening to tons of relaxing and slow songs just to make myself feel more comfortable and at ease so i could think more clearly...and boy did it work.

I spent a lot of timing reflecting my birthday week and my party and my friends...but i also thought about my past and present relationships and what they really mean to me. My party was pretty good...i really wish the people who said they'd come could have because when you expect about 20-30 people to show up and only 18 arrive...you get a little disappointed. Sorta reminds me of my 11th birthday when i invited maybe 10 kids and only 4 showed up...i know...really, really sad. You sort of have to learn to let it roll off your back...but i think to myself...i'm 20 years old now...do i still have to wonder if my really good friends are going to have my back? it's sort of pathedic. You still have to put them up to tests to see if they'll really be there for you? Some of my friends showed up later whether it was due to work or some other obligation but atleast they showed up.

There's a lot of things i wanted to accomplish before i hit 20 and one of them was to defeat my anxiety...obviously i'm not there yet....but another huge thing was to realize who my TRUE friends are....and it's so sad that out of the 40 or so i hang out with....it's still really hard for me to pin point who will be the ones that will stick around through the long hall. In my head i have about 5 or so...that's sorta sad....out of 40? yeesh. My friend EG asked me why i have such high expectations on my birthday...why do i want so much? Well i have a perfect answer for that....out of the 364 days of the year i'm there for everyone...you need me i'll be there at the drop of a hat...the one day out of the year it's my birthday...i guess i sort of expect people to do the same for me. Sure, things come up and i completely understand that...the whole world doesn't revolve around me on May 20th....but you'd think the people who are supposed to be my friends would put in just a little extra effort. For example: EG had to work till 1 am on my birthday...and she told me that no matter what she'll be there at my party....and although it was 1 45 when she arrived...she still showed up to wish me a happy birthday. I appreciated more then anything. Lord knows i wouldn't want to go anywhere after working till 1am...but she gave me her word and she went through with it. That in my eyes....is a pretty damn good friend.

These were the thoughts that were swirling around in my head last night when it came to my friends. When it came to relationships aka boyfriends it was a little different.

My boyfriend pretty much went all out for my birthday...and i had such a horrible anxiety episode cause of my birthday i didn't really get to enjoy it to the fullest extent. He did such an amazing job and although we fought before my party began...we still ended up being together on my birthday...and that's really all i wanted. My ex actually showed up to my party which was sort of funny. Sort of innappropriate but i did invite him so i guess i shouldn't have expected anything less. Although it's soo incredibly hard to really tell how much my bf likes me....with things like this...you can sorta tell. Our next obstacle is to get all that love junk outta the way haha but i have no idea when that's going to happen.

Well i think i blabbed on enough...i have 6 days in a row of good ol' work.

Get Pumped!!!

Till next time......

TTFN

Anxiety Scale: 2.7

Why'd i have to grow up so fast...

Okay so it's the day after the birthday and i didn't think turning 20 was going to affect me so hard haha. I just think about it on the regular and it just boggles my mind that everything has just flown by without me even noticing.

Middle school just flew by and high school was even faster. High school was so amazing and i enjoyed every second of it that i never wanted it to end. University just seemed to sneak up on me and seperated my friends and i and made me rely on myself even more then i already do.

To make myself feel a little better, on Saturday when i'm having my house jam i'm going to play oldie music to bring me back a little bit to the good ol' 90's. The songs mainly remind me of my camp times which was so incredibly amazing. There was no such thing as cool and un-cool and when there were cliques i always tried to spread myself easily amongst both groups and i never saw it as black and white...just rainbows! I remember just being this huge tom-boy playing soccer, basketball, tetherball, and of course always being on stage participating in plays.

I definitly missed the freedom of playing sports...just running to the point where you thought your legs were going to fall off...having a group of guys and girls behind you and protecting you no matter what. Beind on stage was my second home...having the opportunity to be somebody else for an hour or two who is completely opposite from you...it's soo fun!! i have to be Jay Kay for the rest of my life...but i've been blessed enough to be put into the shoes of some very ridiculous characters and it was purely fantastic.

Yet, i went through some pretty tough and annoying stuff when i was a youngster too....i guess maybe 20 wont be too awful. I'm still young....but don't expect me to continue celebrating after my 21st!....man i'm going to be an ugly 21 year old when i'm 95....*shudders*

TTFN

Anxiety Scale: 5.7

Goodbye teenage years...

Well today is officially my last day as a teenager. Tomorrow is my 20th birthday and i'm slightly depressed about it. I have no idea where the past 6 years of my teenaged life has gone...it was awkward, sad, funny, happy, lovely, and all around ridiculous. I thought graduating high school was going to be my breaking point...but turning 20 is hitting me hard.

Tomorrow night i'm going out with the family and le boyfriend for dinner and getting presents and stuff afterwards. That's the only thing i'm looking forward to really...oh! and the jam this weekend. However, why don't we do a little reflection period shall we...

Ages 11-13:

Awful years! So awkward went through so much stupid drama with girls and boys and middle school that i couldn't wait to get older just so i could leave the misery.

Ages 14-16:

Pretty pimp. First few years of high school, getting my license and my first car with my friends. Endless cruising and break ups and make ups. First base, second base, third base...too funny and of course awkward but great.

Ages 17-19:

Saying goodbye to long-term boyfriends...saying goodbye to friends and graduating high school. Getting into university and trying to make a name for myself with a school of 50 000. Car accidents, dating, new jobs, new friends and of course more car accidents.

Now...20....

Don't know what's in store. All i know is that September i'm starting a new school and a new program. I've been promoted at work to supervisor and i'm in a new long term relationship that's flourishing.

The hardest thing is not saying teen after my age. I guess i finally have to grow up...although deep down inside...i'm still 12 years old.

TTFN

Anxiety Scale: 3.4

Mirror, mirror, on the wall...

Well i haven't blogged in quite some time because i've been working non stop but this week i had two days off in a row...before my 5 days of hell begin. Last week was crazy because of mothers day so it totally drained me and the two days were much needed.

I got to spend time with my two girlfriends pretty much the past two days and it's always a treat to see them. One of them i really don't talk to too much during the year just because her and i are terrible at phones and we'll only speak to eachother if we have something that we really want to tell one another. Over this past year (being out of school now) i've had more time to be with myself when i'm off work (mainly because everyone else is in school including my bf) so i'm shopping more and running around more...but by myself. I'm really enjoying it because i become more independent and base things strictly on my opinion now rather then others. Slowly...very slowly...i've started to develop my own style (not in a creepy way like i wear bowling shoes and overalls) but i'm deciding what i like and what i think looks good. I also re-designed my room a bit to make it more zen and relaxing for my anxiety. My friend doesn't seem to either notice the little changes i've made or makes little comments about it. The other thing i want to start doing is really caring less about what my friends really think about me. There are times when i put so much effort into how i look and what i'm wearing and they don't even say a peep. I don't know why but sometimes i feel just so much less attractive when i'm with them. My friends are pretty girls...pretty much my whole crew (all 40 of us) are a group of attractive people. When i'm with the whole crew...they tend to acknowledge by presence and tell me how i look...but my girls...they don't. I really shouldn't care since it's always been like this and what's on the outside really doesn't matter....but to hear some sort of comment from the girls you've grown up with...would be nice. I feel they only notice the bad...never the good.

On a higher note...my relationship with my bf is flourishing :) It was his birthday the week of the 4th so we spend pretty much everyday together that week. Monday was his birthday where i took him out for dinner and his friends surprised him there (all my plan!) and i bought him a watch for his birthday. I took him out for drinks later as well and got him nicely tipsy...i was proud. Then wednesday we went to high park and had a picnic lunch and then he came over for a family dinner and after we watched the baseball game...where i passed out at 12am because baseball is not entertaining haha. Then friday was his birthday family dinner where we had a very nice time as well. In the car he told me that he's starting to develop stronger feelings for me and it's making him nervous. LOVIN IT! haha. I've been developing stronger feelings for him too and he makes me really happy. I've had my fair share of relationships and out of all of them, i've never been so comfortable with anyone then i am with him. I can totally be myself without worrying what if he wont like the real me. We've also been together for almost 8 months so we're passed that point...but we were like that right at the beginning too...and it's just amazing. He has also slowly started to meet my friends (because all of them were away at school and we're losers who stay here in the tdot) and i'm getting approvals everywhere which is also very nice.

I miss him though...i haven't seen him in 2 days and i'm starting to go a little squirelly...it's pathedic. We haven't really talked either cause he's been soo busy with school and my phone is outta commission. And texting is pretty hard too....aka my temp phone doesn't have T9 and i'm dying without it!!!

Hope this weather keeps being fab right until next week cause it's my birthday (ahhh) and the party will be goin down.

Until next time...

TTFN

Anxiety Scale: 2.4

And we're back...

I know i haven't blogged in quite some time due to the fact that i've been working like a craze-o and my internet has been down. I finally got a new company and my interenet is back up and running...for now.

Things have been pretty hectic lately with work and this working full-time business is totally putting a cramp in my style. The only official day i have off is on Mondays (cause my store is closed) and because it's my only day...i cramp it with any appointment i have to make, or plans, and i don't even get a chance to relax on my day off...it's sort of frustrating.

Well the biggest news that is goin down is that slowly everyone is returning from school and the hood is flourishing again with familiar faces. Now i have to balance not only work and a boyfriend, i have my friends to throw back into the mix as well. I've definitly been slacking in the friendship department because of how busy i am and it's quite irritating.

David came over yesterday where we had a lovely 2 hour chat sesh and we got a visit from my two friends E and S. I freaked cause obviously i haven't seen them in ages and it was just so amazing to know that i'm not completely alone for the next 4 months or so. Although we're all going to be working and others are going to be going for their MCATS and what not, i just hope we're not too old to still goof around and have a good time.

My birthday is fast approaching and i'm getting more and more horrified that i'm going to be turning 20. I mean, i still remember sitting in my backyard with my friend EG and talking about how i can't believe we're 16 and in 4 years we're going to be 20. Now it's less then a month away and my teenage years are slowly disappearing.

Today i was driving past my old high school and i saw all the kids walking around and chatting and getting into their cars to drive home, and i couldn't help but think that, that was me not too long ago. Where the hell did the time go? I still remember my first fight with a friend, my first boyfriend, my first kiss, my first date, my first party, and when i got my license with one of my closest friends. Every single milestone has just vanished before my eyes and it's just unreal.

Funny enough, is that when i was in middle school i always felt so lost because everyone had been friends with eachother from the previous years, where i have moved from school to school. I was always so envious that they had that connection and those ever lasting friendships...and i never thought i'd have that. Now that i'm reflecting on previous milestones i realize that i finally do have that. The good friends that i have now are the ones i've been friends with for nearly 8 years. They've been there through my first boyfriends, my first dates, my first heartbreaks, my license, and they've even been to my brothers bar-mitzvah. I'm so lucky to have these people in my life and although we're all so different and as the years go by we start to develop our own lives...we can still come back to the hood and it's as if nothing has changed.

We all have our own things going on whether it's new friends, new schools, new relationships, but the one thing that hasn't changed is our love and respect for one another.

I can't wait for the summer to finally begin, and this warm weather to stick around longer then one day, and i can hardly wait for our late night coffees, the bar hops, the hooka sesh's, the tanning, the swimming, the car rides to harbour front at 12am, the house parties, the movie nights, and of course the rekindling of our never broken friendships.

I feel like a lot has happened to me in the past 8 months since everyone's left. I've dropped out of school because of the strike at York, i've been working full-time, i've been in a commited relationship, i've been slowly dealing with my anxiety more, i've started to finally come into my own, and slowly discovered who i really am. I thought i went through all the soul searching after Rob and i split but apparently i had more to go. I realized that i have a serious trust issue due to my past experiences with girls in middle school. I tend to give too much and am too afraid to receive anything in return with the fear that people will peace. Knowing now that that's an issue, i'm hoping to work on that more and become the person i want to be. I'm finally talking to someone on a weekly basis about my anxiety to the point where i'm so tired of it defining me. I don't want me to say my name is Jay Kay and i have anxiety, i don't want that to be my title. This anxiety has been my ball and chain. It's preventing me from being the best friend i can be, the best girlfriend, the best daughter, and all around the best Jordi i can be. And i'm confident that in due time this anxiety will finally be put to rest and be buried with every other negative thing that has come my way so i can start off with a clean slate in September where i'm finally doing exactly what i want to do. Until next time...

TTFN

Anxiety Scale: 4.3

Brain Cramp...

So i haven't written a post in way too long so i think a mini update is in order.

Passover has finally ended and seeing the whole fam jam was stellar! Seeing my cousins and my aunts and uncles is always a blast and a half. I had my second sedar on thursday at my g-rents and it was brutal!!! i actually got plastered in order to survive the night...so the wine was a flowing...and my walking was a stumbling...but it was all good. I ended up spending the whole weekend working and at night seeing the boyfriend which was fabulous.

I finally got the actual acceptance letter from Seneca yesterday and i was quite pleased :). I've been loving the weather lately as well. Took the puppy for a walk yesterday and it was amazing. I also had lunch outside at work today which was so great!

I worked 8 hours today and for some reason i have drawn a blank on what i really wanted to blog about. (sits and thinks for 20 minutes)

Okay i'm going to try and write something more interesting soon...

The reason for my lack of blogs is due to my stupid internet that has not worked and i'm not pleased!!!

TTFN

Anxiety Scale: 3.6

Hello Future...

All i have to say is....

I GOT ACCEPTED TO SENECA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

out of 3000 people i'm 1 out of the 45 who got in! :)

i'm over the moon...i've cried...i've laughed...i'm in shock!!!!!

Time to become a radio broadcaster!

Peace Out Brussel Sprout!!!

Anxiety Scale:...i don't even know!

That look in your eyes...

Do you ever have that moment where you wish a certain minute will last forever?

After surviving the meet the family dinner with David, him and i hung out at my place after for a couple of hours. I don't know if it was the sense of accomplishment i felt knowing that i can survive a meet the family evening or just being with him, but i felt something new.

I've been in love once and i've started to fall in love once and i have also fallen in lust. Although i'm not close to any of the above, i feel that i've been having those warm and fuzzy moments a lot more lately. Being with someone for 6 months isn't a heck of a long time but it is my longest relationship since my last longest relationship. Slowly feeling more comfortable with someone and enjoying the time you spend with one another is such a great feeling. There are moments when i'm looking into his eyes and i think there's no where else i'd want to be right now. Of course in my head i hear music and i wish that maybe he'll say something to take my breath away but there's also a part of me that needs to understand that this is real life and not a movie. I feel thats why so many girls never get there expectations met because they think all their boyfriends will pull a Zac Efron or Ryan Gosling or Shane West and climb up our windows and jump into our rooms and sweep us off our feet. I don't think romance is dead by any means since my boyfriend is romantic but whatever happened to the days where you just want to spill your guts to someone or do the littlest thing to make them happy just cause it's a ...thursday or something.

There's a song by Taylor Swift called White Horse and it sort of proves what i'm saying that i'm not a princess, this aint a fairytale, but i wish that one day i can read someones eyes and REALLY know what they're feeling. David looks into my eyes and it's like he knows what i'm thinking....i think my green eyes tell a story... i just wish his brown ones did the same.

Romance isn't dead...it's just on hiatus.

TTFN

Anxiety Scale: 5.6

Meet the Silvers...

Well tonight is the night i've been prepping for, for over 2 months. Tonight I'm meeting the boyfriends whole family. As in the 4 siblings, the grandmother, the aunt and uncle and 2 cousins. It's Davids oldest brothers birthday dinner and of course i'm being asked to come. This whole week i have actually been crapping my pants nervous about this. Now the day has finally arrived. Apparently my 2 months of prep didn't go down very well. In about 5 hours i have to get ready and i'm actually freaking out. So much so that my anxiety has sky rocketed this week. It's not that i'm afraid they wont like me, or they wont like how i look, it's just a scary situation.

I've been in my share of relationships and when i was with my ex for 2 years i pretty much met the whole family...but it was all my accident and not all of them together at once so that was okay. Unlike this moment where it's all planned out and i literally want to faint haha. It's a beautiful day outside but i think i'm going to spend all of today prepping for this as in doing yoga, meditating, and possibly getting completely hammered...(joking on the hammered part).

Wish me luck!!

TTFN

Anxiety Scale: 8.3...yeah i know!

Can i have this dance?

Another overcast day here in the city of Toronto. Still waiting to hear from Seneca and i'm becoming less and less confident as the days slowly drag on.

Jakie and i are just chilling trying to decide what to do today. I'm thinking of hitting up American Apparel to finally get those hoodies i've been wanting for eons. I was supposed to hang with the bf today as per usual but he's too busy for me today grr haha.

Don't really have too much to post today however i wanted to share something with whoever girl reads this blog. You know the most annoying part about being a female (aside from dealing with the opposite sex) is having our period. I found this website that is meant to make our lives easier by telling us when we're supposed to ovulate and expect our period. So for you chicka's who aren't on the nasty pill and have to rely on our good ol' bodies...this site is perf for you. http://www.mon.thly.info.com/ and it's pretty awesome. Just type in your past few periods and it keeps track of your cycle so you don't have to.

ps i finally watched Twilight last night...and it made me want to be in a movie more then anything. Just like when i watched HSM3 and deep down i wish i'd get swept off my feet and a song will play and we can dance in the rain. I feel cheesy things like that only happen with your first love but what do i know. I've dance under the moonlight before...however that was all my doing haha.

All i'm asking is...Can i have this dance?

TTFN

Anxiety Scale:3.2

We will still be friends forever...

I just finished a nice breakfast of cardboard cereal and a banana and i'm ready to start my day. I have to stop off at my dads factory to drop off some stuff then the rest of the day is mine to enjoy. I think i might actually do a little shopping for myself for once in my life...i'm tres pumped! A couple days ago i had coffee with my two great friends E and G and a little something happened that put my friendships into perspective. I have great friends, don't get me wrong, but sometimes i think how the hell can i be friends with people who really don't get me. When i was out for coffee with the girls...E was going through my purse and i asked her "Whats up?" and she pulled out my little hand sanitizer and i asked "How did you know i had hand sanitizer?" and she responded with the best response ever, "cause you WOULD have sanitizer in your purse." That little 3 second moment put every form of warm and fuzzies possible in my tiny little heart. Just knowing that one amazing friend knew something THAT small about me was incredible. This has happened on other occasions. When my girls who i like to call JEEBS like to confront me on something i get super awkward and i start to read things. I never knew this until all of them at once pointed it out and said, "you're reading...stop being awkward". It made me laugh knowing that even tiny manerisms like that they can read. I've been friends with JEEBS since pretty much the beggining of middle school and the beginning of high school. They cause me so much anger, stress, happiness, laughter and all around fun that i don't know what to with them sometimes. The only issue with JEEBS is they don't get my anxiety. I don't blame them with this because it's a very difficult concept to wrap your head around. But i'm glad i have a few friends that may not understand it....but they accept it.

For example: During reading week everyone was going to Philthies on monday and i HATE philthies with a passion...not only cause it's philth but i had a really, really bad anxiety attack there once and it's put a bad taste in my mouth. I was telling some JEEBS that i wasn't going to go and they were furious at me...and E and G were the only two who understood and told me not to worry about it. In the end i went and JEEBS were proud of me but despite how intoxicated E and G were they kept coming up to me and asking if i was okay and it made me feel good that they actually care.

As mentioned above my friends are the greatest friends in the world. They think i deserve the best and i they know that if they EVER need anything i'll be there in a heartbeat. My only problem is...due to my horrible friendship experience in middle school...i have to understand that if i do rely on a friend....they're not going to say no and stop being friends with me. I've noticed this only recently that i have a serious trust issue with relationships whether romantic or friendship. I don't rely on anyone but myself and that's because i don't fully trust anyone else. That's something i REALLY need to work on.

Anyway time to finish my banana and get stated on my day...at 11 40...haha i love days off!

TTFN

Anxiety Scale:4.7

The New Girl...

This is going to be a short post due to the fact that i'm so kerfuffled i can't think straight.

I was working another lovely 8 hour shift today when my ex Rob decided to come in for a visit. I was so excited to see him that i leaped into his arms and gave him a big hug and a kiss. Then he says to me..."I want you to meet Vanessa" which is his new girlfriend. I feel all the blood rush away from my face as i turn to see who the new gf was. This girl is so incredibly gorgeous i wanted to die. I shook her hand politely and asked them if they needed anything. They sat down and had two cappucino's and a cupcake each. I stood and chatted with them and was as civil as can be. Although deep down i secretly wanted to wish i wasn't standing there. The new girl got to meet me looking disgustingly gross with my hair pulled back in a "Eat More Cake" shirt and best of all...disgusting sweatpants. I could have died. Rob said to me...'"i knew you wanted to meet her so here she is!" ...uh..yeah...i wanted to meet her when i looked a little more FEMALE!!! So the girl who has taken my place in his life is drop dead gorgeous and now i feel like well...what's worse then the ugly duckling?....*thinks*...not too sure but i'll get back to it. Everything about her was flawless. Although i didn't get a chance to REALLY chat with her...on a completely superficial standpoint...she was pretty damn perfect. Amazing style, great hair, flawless complexion....she even had nice eyes.

Why does the guy who causes the heart break always come out on top?

TTFN

Anxiety Scale: 5.7