Cruisin together...

After a wonderful Hungarian meal at my grandparents last night, i decided i had a lot on my mind and i desperately needed to clear it. So what do i do when i have so many thoughts jumbling around in my little noggin? i go for a 2 hour drive all over the city listening to music and let my thoughts go wild.

I started off in Thornhill where i wandered around the areas of my childhood where i grew up, followed by coming back to my area and heading to old places where i used to have dates with my ex boyfriend. After that i headed downtown just to see the beautiful scenery, then somehow wandered into China town, and then i ended up back home safe and sound.

I was listening to tons of relaxing and slow songs just to make myself feel more comfortable and at ease so i could think more clearly...and boy did it work.

I spent a lot of timing reflecting my birthday week and my party and my friends...but i also thought about my past and present relationships and what they really mean to me. My party was pretty good...i really wish the people who said they'd come could have because when you expect about 20-30 people to show up and only 18 arrive...you get a little disappointed. Sorta reminds me of my 11th birthday when i invited maybe 10 kids and only 4 showed up...i know...really, really sad. You sort of have to learn to let it roll off your back...but i think to myself...i'm 20 years old now...do i still have to wonder if my really good friends are going to have my back? it's sort of pathedic. You still have to put them up to tests to see if they'll really be there for you? Some of my friends showed up later whether it was due to work or some other obligation but atleast they showed up.

There's a lot of things i wanted to accomplish before i hit 20 and one of them was to defeat my anxiety...obviously i'm not there yet....but another huge thing was to realize who my TRUE friends are....and it's so sad that out of the 40 or so i hang out with....it's still really hard for me to pin point who will be the ones that will stick around through the long hall. In my head i have about 5 or so...that's sorta sad....out of 40? yeesh. My friend EG asked me why i have such high expectations on my birthday...why do i want so much? Well i have a perfect answer for that....out of the 364 days of the year i'm there for everyone...you need me i'll be there at the drop of a hat...the one day out of the year it's my birthday...i guess i sort of expect people to do the same for me. Sure, things come up and i completely understand that...the whole world doesn't revolve around me on May 20th....but you'd think the people who are supposed to be my friends would put in just a little extra effort. For example: EG had to work till 1 am on my birthday...and she told me that no matter what she'll be there at my party....and although it was 1 45 when she arrived...she still showed up to wish me a happy birthday. I appreciated more then anything. Lord knows i wouldn't want to go anywhere after working till 1am...but she gave me her word and she went through with it. That in my eyes....is a pretty damn good friend.

These were the thoughts that were swirling around in my head last night when it came to my friends. When it came to relationships aka boyfriends it was a little different.

My boyfriend pretty much went all out for my birthday...and i had such a horrible anxiety episode cause of my birthday i didn't really get to enjoy it to the fullest extent. He did such an amazing job and although we fought before my party began...we still ended up being together on my birthday...and that's really all i wanted. My ex actually showed up to my party which was sort of funny. Sort of innappropriate but i did invite him so i guess i shouldn't have expected anything less. Although it's soo incredibly hard to really tell how much my bf likes me....with things like this...you can sorta tell. Our next obstacle is to get all that love junk outta the way haha but i have no idea when that's going to happen.

Well i think i blabbed on enough...i have 6 days in a row of good ol' work.

Get Pumped!!!

Till next time......

TTFN

Anxiety Scale: 2.7

Why'd i have to grow up so fast...

Okay so it's the day after the birthday and i didn't think turning 20 was going to affect me so hard haha. I just think about it on the regular and it just boggles my mind that everything has just flown by without me even noticing.

Middle school just flew by and high school was even faster. High school was so amazing and i enjoyed every second of it that i never wanted it to end. University just seemed to sneak up on me and seperated my friends and i and made me rely on myself even more then i already do.

To make myself feel a little better, on Saturday when i'm having my house jam i'm going to play oldie music to bring me back a little bit to the good ol' 90's. The songs mainly remind me of my camp times which was so incredibly amazing. There was no such thing as cool and un-cool and when there were cliques i always tried to spread myself easily amongst both groups and i never saw it as black and white...just rainbows! I remember just being this huge tom-boy playing soccer, basketball, tetherball, and of course always being on stage participating in plays.

I definitly missed the freedom of playing sports...just running to the point where you thought your legs were going to fall off...having a group of guys and girls behind you and protecting you no matter what. Beind on stage was my second home...having the opportunity to be somebody else for an hour or two who is completely opposite from you...it's soo fun!! i have to be Jay Kay for the rest of my life...but i've been blessed enough to be put into the shoes of some very ridiculous characters and it was purely fantastic.

Yet, i went through some pretty tough and annoying stuff when i was a youngster too....i guess maybe 20 wont be too awful. I'm still young....but don't expect me to continue celebrating after my 21st!....man i'm going to be an ugly 21 year old when i'm 95....*shudders*

TTFN

Anxiety Scale: 5.7

Goodbye teenage years...

Well today is officially my last day as a teenager. Tomorrow is my 20th birthday and i'm slightly depressed about it. I have no idea where the past 6 years of my teenaged life has gone...it was awkward, sad, funny, happy, lovely, and all around ridiculous. I thought graduating high school was going to be my breaking point...but turning 20 is hitting me hard.

Tomorrow night i'm going out with the family and le boyfriend for dinner and getting presents and stuff afterwards. That's the only thing i'm looking forward to really...oh! and the jam this weekend. However, why don't we do a little reflection period shall we...

Ages 11-13:

Awful years! So awkward went through so much stupid drama with girls and boys and middle school that i couldn't wait to get older just so i could leave the misery.

Ages 14-16:

Pretty pimp. First few years of high school, getting my license and my first car with my friends. Endless cruising and break ups and make ups. First base, second base, third base...too funny and of course awkward but great.

Ages 17-19:

Saying goodbye to long-term boyfriends...saying goodbye to friends and graduating high school. Getting into university and trying to make a name for myself with a school of 50 000. Car accidents, dating, new jobs, new friends and of course more car accidents.

Now...20....

Don't know what's in store. All i know is that September i'm starting a new school and a new program. I've been promoted at work to supervisor and i'm in a new long term relationship that's flourishing.

The hardest thing is not saying teen after my age. I guess i finally have to grow up...although deep down inside...i'm still 12 years old.

TTFN

Anxiety Scale: 3.4

Mirror, mirror, on the wall...

Well i haven't blogged in quite some time because i've been working non stop but this week i had two days off in a row...before my 5 days of hell begin. Last week was crazy because of mothers day so it totally drained me and the two days were much needed.

I got to spend time with my two girlfriends pretty much the past two days and it's always a treat to see them. One of them i really don't talk to too much during the year just because her and i are terrible at phones and we'll only speak to eachother if we have something that we really want to tell one another. Over this past year (being out of school now) i've had more time to be with myself when i'm off work (mainly because everyone else is in school including my bf) so i'm shopping more and running around more...but by myself. I'm really enjoying it because i become more independent and base things strictly on my opinion now rather then others. Slowly...very slowly...i've started to develop my own style (not in a creepy way like i wear bowling shoes and overalls) but i'm deciding what i like and what i think looks good. I also re-designed my room a bit to make it more zen and relaxing for my anxiety. My friend doesn't seem to either notice the little changes i've made or makes little comments about it. The other thing i want to start doing is really caring less about what my friends really think about me. There are times when i put so much effort into how i look and what i'm wearing and they don't even say a peep. I don't know why but sometimes i feel just so much less attractive when i'm with them. My friends are pretty girls...pretty much my whole crew (all 40 of us) are a group of attractive people. When i'm with the whole crew...they tend to acknowledge by presence and tell me how i look...but my girls...they don't. I really shouldn't care since it's always been like this and what's on the outside really doesn't matter....but to hear some sort of comment from the girls you've grown up with...would be nice. I feel they only notice the bad...never the good.

On a higher note...my relationship with my bf is flourishing :) It was his birthday the week of the 4th so we spend pretty much everyday together that week. Monday was his birthday where i took him out for dinner and his friends surprised him there (all my plan!) and i bought him a watch for his birthday. I took him out for drinks later as well and got him nicely tipsy...i was proud. Then wednesday we went to high park and had a picnic lunch and then he came over for a family dinner and after we watched the baseball game...where i passed out at 12am because baseball is not entertaining haha. Then friday was his birthday family dinner where we had a very nice time as well. In the car he told me that he's starting to develop stronger feelings for me and it's making him nervous. LOVIN IT! haha. I've been developing stronger feelings for him too and he makes me really happy. I've had my fair share of relationships and out of all of them, i've never been so comfortable with anyone then i am with him. I can totally be myself without worrying what if he wont like the real me. We've also been together for almost 8 months so we're passed that point...but we were like that right at the beginning too...and it's just amazing. He has also slowly started to meet my friends (because all of them were away at school and we're losers who stay here in the tdot) and i'm getting approvals everywhere which is also very nice.

I miss him though...i haven't seen him in 2 days and i'm starting to go a little squirelly...it's pathedic. We haven't really talked either cause he's been soo busy with school and my phone is outta commission. And texting is pretty hard too....aka my temp phone doesn't have T9 and i'm dying without it!!!

Hope this weather keeps being fab right until next week cause it's my birthday (ahhh) and the party will be goin down.

Until next time...

TTFN

Anxiety Scale: 2.4

And we're back...

I know i haven't blogged in quite some time due to the fact that i've been working like a craze-o and my internet has been down. I finally got a new company and my interenet is back up and running...for now.

Things have been pretty hectic lately with work and this working full-time business is totally putting a cramp in my style. The only official day i have off is on Mondays (cause my store is closed) and because it's my only day...i cramp it with any appointment i have to make, or plans, and i don't even get a chance to relax on my day off...it's sort of frustrating.

Well the biggest news that is goin down is that slowly everyone is returning from school and the hood is flourishing again with familiar faces. Now i have to balance not only work and a boyfriend, i have my friends to throw back into the mix as well. I've definitly been slacking in the friendship department because of how busy i am and it's quite irritating.

David came over yesterday where we had a lovely 2 hour chat sesh and we got a visit from my two friends E and S. I freaked cause obviously i haven't seen them in ages and it was just so amazing to know that i'm not completely alone for the next 4 months or so. Although we're all going to be working and others are going to be going for their MCATS and what not, i just hope we're not too old to still goof around and have a good time.

My birthday is fast approaching and i'm getting more and more horrified that i'm going to be turning 20. I mean, i still remember sitting in my backyard with my friend EG and talking about how i can't believe we're 16 and in 4 years we're going to be 20. Now it's less then a month away and my teenage years are slowly disappearing.

Today i was driving past my old high school and i saw all the kids walking around and chatting and getting into their cars to drive home, and i couldn't help but think that, that was me not too long ago. Where the hell did the time go? I still remember my first fight with a friend, my first boyfriend, my first kiss, my first date, my first party, and when i got my license with one of my closest friends. Every single milestone has just vanished before my eyes and it's just unreal.

Funny enough, is that when i was in middle school i always felt so lost because everyone had been friends with eachother from the previous years, where i have moved from school to school. I was always so envious that they had that connection and those ever lasting friendships...and i never thought i'd have that. Now that i'm reflecting on previous milestones i realize that i finally do have that. The good friends that i have now are the ones i've been friends with for nearly 8 years. They've been there through my first boyfriends, my first dates, my first heartbreaks, my license, and they've even been to my brothers bar-mitzvah. I'm so lucky to have these people in my life and although we're all so different and as the years go by we start to develop our own lives...we can still come back to the hood and it's as if nothing has changed.

We all have our own things going on whether it's new friends, new schools, new relationships, but the one thing that hasn't changed is our love and respect for one another.

I can't wait for the summer to finally begin, and this warm weather to stick around longer then one day, and i can hardly wait for our late night coffees, the bar hops, the hooka sesh's, the tanning, the swimming, the car rides to harbour front at 12am, the house parties, the movie nights, and of course the rekindling of our never broken friendships.

I feel like a lot has happened to me in the past 8 months since everyone's left. I've dropped out of school because of the strike at York, i've been working full-time, i've been in a commited relationship, i've been slowly dealing with my anxiety more, i've started to finally come into my own, and slowly discovered who i really am. I thought i went through all the soul searching after Rob and i split but apparently i had more to go. I realized that i have a serious trust issue due to my past experiences with girls in middle school. I tend to give too much and am too afraid to receive anything in return with the fear that people will peace. Knowing now that that's an issue, i'm hoping to work on that more and become the person i want to be. I'm finally talking to someone on a weekly basis about my anxiety to the point where i'm so tired of it defining me. I don't want me to say my name is Jay Kay and i have anxiety, i don't want that to be my title. This anxiety has been my ball and chain. It's preventing me from being the best friend i can be, the best girlfriend, the best daughter, and all around the best Jordi i can be. And i'm confident that in due time this anxiety will finally be put to rest and be buried with every other negative thing that has come my way so i can start off with a clean slate in September where i'm finally doing exactly what i want to do. Until next time...

TTFN

Anxiety Scale: 4.3

Brain Cramp...

So i haven't written a post in way too long so i think a mini update is in order.

Passover has finally ended and seeing the whole fam jam was stellar! Seeing my cousins and my aunts and uncles is always a blast and a half. I had my second sedar on thursday at my g-rents and it was brutal!!! i actually got plastered in order to survive the night...so the wine was a flowing...and my walking was a stumbling...but it was all good. I ended up spending the whole weekend working and at night seeing the boyfriend which was fabulous.

I finally got the actual acceptance letter from Seneca yesterday and i was quite pleased :). I've been loving the weather lately as well. Took the puppy for a walk yesterday and it was amazing. I also had lunch outside at work today which was so great!

I worked 8 hours today and for some reason i have drawn a blank on what i really wanted to blog about. (sits and thinks for 20 minutes)

Okay i'm going to try and write something more interesting soon...

The reason for my lack of blogs is due to my stupid internet that has not worked and i'm not pleased!!!

TTFN

Anxiety Scale: 3.6

Hello Future...

All i have to say is....

I GOT ACCEPTED TO SENECA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

out of 3000 people i'm 1 out of the 45 who got in! :)

i'm over the moon...i've cried...i've laughed...i'm in shock!!!!!

Time to become a radio broadcaster!

Peace Out Brussel Sprout!!!

Anxiety Scale:...i don't even know!