I will miss you into a memory

Missing someone can be very time consuming. No matter how hard you to try to forget them you just seem to never stop. I'm not allowed to see a friend anymore because of his relationship issues. This has been the case for 2 years and it still hasn't gotten easier.

I think about you a lot.

I was just thinking about when was the last time i was ever swept off my feet. The only time was you. Even the simple things you did...i constantly had to catch myself from falling. Dinner, gelato, a motorcycle ride...i was done. You were so strong, so in control and such a man...it was just sexy. I never thought you were the most attractive man in the world but your confidence was sexy.

I think about you a lot.

I miss our long talks, i miss making you laugh and i miss making you happy. I wish you could let me make you happy. I love you. I will never be able to be in love with you...but i love you.

I think about you a lot.

But i realize that if things were ever able to change, i feel that we wouldn't be able to start off where we left off. You have hurt me over and over again and i keep falling for it. I promised myself i would never shed a tear for you. I've cried a lot for you. You cheated on me and broke my heart. I cried. You told me we can't talk anymore. I cried. Then you told me we can't be friends anymore. I sobbed.

I need to think about you less.

As time progresses i need to learn to turn missing you into a fond memory. The time i made you the happiest, our time looking up at the stars, our dinners, our nights, our coffee's and even our songs. Everything needs to be locked up and cherished. We will never be the way we were.

Thanks for the memories.

JK

Needs a kit-kat

I'm so overwhelmed I can't even breathe. Do you ever notice the older you get the more stressful things become. Especially money. I'm 21 years old, a full-time student and living at home...you'd think my financial expenses would be minimal. Of course this is not the case. This constant fight of not having enough money is starting to drive me off the deep end. I'm a full time radio broadcasting student, i work part-time for astral media, i manage the promotions and sales for my college radio station, i have my own show every wednesday and i have homework. Please explain to me how you expect me to make thousands of dollars a month?
Everyone seems to be so afraid about growing up because of all the responsabilities and financial obligations they'll have. Well my friends...i might as well be living on my own because i'm up to my eyeballs in bullshit expenses.
When you're a child with a sibling...there always seems to be a comparison. My brother was in college for a year...a year! and he now runs his own business. My brother from the age of 14-18 was in high school like any other kid...sorry let me rephrase that...was enrolled in high school...never seemed to go. Same with college...he hardly went to class...worked most of the time...and that's why he's able to afford things a little better then i can. Technically he hasn't even graduated college...he failed 3 classes and is in the process of making up one so he can get his certificate. I'm a student with a 4.0 grade avg and am working incredibly hard on my education...therefore it's sort of difficult to make so much money.
Most parents want their kids to spend the 8 months of the year focusing only on their education and having the weekends to relax and/or work on assignments. That used to be the case for me...when i was 13. Once i turned 14 i got my first cellphone...my father then said "and how will you be paying for that?" and the rest was history. So technically...i've been paying bills since i was 14 years old. 14! I didn't want to go to school far away because my parents made at home life seem oober glamorous. Free food, no rent, and the comforts of home. If i knew staying at home would cause so much anxiety, stress and angst...dude, let me tell you! i'd be in Waterloo right now eating out of a alphagetti can and loving it.
I'm trying to fulfill the expectations of my parents but at this point in time it seems like it's impossible. They want me to get good grades and work hard in school....but make enough money that i can pay my parents back for whatever and pay all my bills. In what fucked up world are they living in? Where i have a money tree in my room? There's only so much i can physically do. I'm physically and emotionally wiped! The problem with my job in radio...most of the stuff happens during the week and i'm in school. For example: i missed class yesterday to do an event. to make money. this weekend...i have off (shh don't tell my parents) because there are no events. So...what am i going to do? hibernate at school so i don't have to hear them bitch. Isn't that pathetic? I want to relax but i'm too afraid to so i'm going to school.
Give me a break!!

Stupid things

You know when you put so much effort into something and at the end of the day it's not acknowledged?
I prepped myself for 3 days for a big event I had to go to. I spent loads of money, lost a lot of sleep, and cut my diet so i could look my best. After all the effort the one person i wanted to impress more then anything seemed to be the least bit impressed.
I, Jay Kay, never wear dresses...last dress i wore was prom...that was almost 4 years ago. I went out and dropped over $350.00 on a gorgeous fitted, purple mini dress and i got new heals, a new clutch, new makeup and primped, waxed and pampered myself so i could look my very best.
The big event pretty much came and went and although i should have felt like a million bucks...i felt like a nickle.
*sigh*
stupid things.

JK

Back to the future...

Well it's been quite some time since i've written a blog. I don't even know where to begin!!

Well summer came and went quite quickly...actually...huge lie! I felt that April-June was the slowest thing of my life! But July and August flew by like Superman on Red Bull.

So I celebrated my 21st birthday in NYC with my dad which was amazingly fun! Although I did come home to a lovely case of the sickies. Still not too sure what was wrong with me...but it was a weird sensation of wanting to faint every few minutes...not so pleasant.

I then went to Windemere Resort in Muskoka with my lovely boyfriend for our birthdays. We were gone for 3 days and 2 nights and it was absolutely amazing! Wish we were there again! Then of course upon my return...my weird sickies came back. Finally, near the end of June I get a phone call from a man by the name of Paul who offered me a job to work at Virgin Radio in Promotions on the Street Team. I nearly shit myself with excitement and accepted the job right away!

From June-August was just a complete world wind! From tons of events, travelling all over the city, meeting thousands upon thousands of people, and spending some fantastic quality time with le boy...all and all it was a fantastic summer!

A big Mazel Tov will have to be given to my boyfriends brother who got engaged over the summer! Thank G-d! I've never been to a wedding and i'm so jazzed to go! (do people still say jazzed? doubt it).

Working with Virgin Radio has been a mind blowing experience! It made me shed my insecurities to just get out there and just be! It's been absolutely amazing and i'm so honoured to be a member of the team!

I guess the biggest victory next to working for Virgin is I finally conquered my 8 year battle with Anxiety. After a brutal 2 months of exposure therapy...i can officially say...i no longer have vomit phobia! It's a fantastic feeling and it's like a huge weight has been lifted. I'm a stronger person because of it and i wouldn't have gotten through it without the overwhelming support of my family, friends and boyfriend. I will always have anxiety to a certain extent (because everyone does) but aslong as it doesn't control my life...i will be a-okay!

School has begun and i'm in my final year of Radio Broadcasting. We were all welcomed back with a shit-load of responsabilities and assignments! Not only am i a full-time student and work part-time with Virgin Radio, i'm now on the management team for S@Y radio, i have my own radio show Wednesdays @3:00 (go to http://www.sayradio.net/ to listen), and I still have homework. Talk about over-kill!!!!

We've also lost a few good people in our program who no longer have the 'passion' for radio...to them i say: Good luck and we will miss the heck outta you!

It was my 2 year anniversay September 20th and it was a beautiful evening! We went out for dinner to my favourite restaurant where my bf surprised me with a beautiful ring. Now, I've been asking David for a ring for over a year now...and i didn't think he was actually going to get it. Wrapped in a relatively large box i was skeptical. I open the box to see a Holts box (i think to myself...hey it's from Holts...i'll take it!) of course i open it up to see a Raptors Jersey....(now, right then in there i was going to dump his ass haha but i decided to open up the jersey), inside the jersey was a little Tiffany Blue Box...*heart stops* i open the box to see a little pouch *heart sinks* (i thought it was a bracelette) i open the little pouch and a ring plops into my hand *tears form*...i burst into tears and freak out and was overwhelmed with excitement. Needless to say i am the luckiest girl in the world...not because of the ring....but because of the guy who presented me with the ring. This guy has saved my life in more ways then one and i will love him until the day my heart stops beating.

Well, that's it for today...i have to get on writing an assignment for Radio News.

Till next time!

TTFN!

xoox

I love you

David and I went to Niagara Falls to stay over for the night just to get away from the crazyness of our lives and spend some quality time together. We headed down to the Falls with absolutely zero traffic with the sun pounding on our faces. Once we arrived, we managed to find amazing $5.00 24 hour parking and had lunch together. We then checked into our gorgeous room at the Hilton and then spent the rest of the evening walking around Clifton Hill hand in hand being little tourists. We visited the Wax Museum and Ripleys Believe it or not and some gift shops. We then went back to our room to change for a romantic dinner. Once we left the restaurant we were walking back to our hotel and i hear in the background, Falling for you-Colbie Caillet...that was the song i told David i used to listen to when i knew i was in love with him but too chicken to say anything. That was probably my favourite part. We came back to the room to a beautiful jacuzzi bath full of bubbles and candles and spent the rest of the evening together. We then woke up to a terrific breakfast and we walked around the falls.

It was the most perfect weekend and i had seemed to fall in love all over again with the greatest guy ever! He's my rock, my pillar of support, and most importantly my best friend. I love you.

TTFN

Anxiety Scale: 1.4

...but i will not crumble

Well this is day 2 of me being home from a brutal ass sore throat that is making me very blue.

However! i finally got up on the whitney houston-oprah interview. So i cried...obviously, just because she's so incredibly amazing, but if you haven't heard her new album...GET IT! probably one of the best purchases i've made in a while.

Although all i have is a sore throat and i'm oober bummed about it...just hearing her lyrics and hearing her form...i swear my throat got better. She's such a remarkable woman...who found the strength to get out of a relationship that went sour. She did take her time...but she left when she was good and ready. I relate that to my own issues sometimes with anxiety. I have my days where i think i'm just going to be anxious the rest of my life and nothing will ever change. Then there are days where i seem to find the strength to get my ass in gear and start fighting this 8 year battle. This whole throat sitch is making me stressed because i can't afford to miss class...however when you're in radio...you sorta need your voice...and i also don't want to get anyone else sick...not like i'll be sticking my tongue down anyone's throat...but you never know.

It's amazing the affect that music can have on me. Music is what has gotten me through some really tough break-ups and friendships. Whether it's Adele, Whitney, Taylor Swift, Beyonce, or even Dallas Green...lyrics just speak to me in ways that no one else i know can. Music can also make me realize how good my life really is. Falling for you by Colbie Caillet makes me realize how i felt when i started falling in love with my boyfriend and i was too chicken shit to tell him. Or Strength by Whitney Houston when i realize how much progess i've actually made when its come to my anxiety. Another song would be Best Day by Taylor Swift from her old album but it reminds me of my mom and how she's always been there for me.

Yes...one interview with Whitney and Oprah and these are all the thoughts that start going through my mind. Hopefully after a little visit to my naturopath she'll give me something for my throat because i can't miss ANOTHER day of school...cause shit will hit the fan!

TTFN

Anxiety Scale: 5.7 (kinda high)

Extreme composition

After a lovely 3 hour service at synagogue (ugh!) i spent the day working on my photography assignment for class. Although i'm in radio...apparently taking pictures is a huge deal.

So i went around my neighbourhood getting different angles, going to different parks, with vitamin water in hand and decided to destroy the neighbourhood. I think i got some decent shots but what do i know? like i said, i'm in radio!

Last night i had my rosh hashanna din din where 13 members of my family graced us with their presence. To my surprise there was a new member of the family. My uncle brought his golden-doodle puppy named Hank to the festivities. Pretty much one of the most adorable dogs i have ever seen! He has such a personality it's incredible!

We ate tons and tons of hungarian food and of course a lovely toffee apple cheesecake from yours truly! It was also my grandfathers 85th birthday! which was a huge milestone due to the fact that about 2 months ago he went in for a double bi-pass and a valve replacement.

My pictures consisted of a lot of squirells...i like squirells...they're cute and fuzzy...i hope my prof likes squirells...or else i fail!

I also got to see my friend Amber today who i haven't seen in 3 weeks and it was the high-light of my day...aside from my fabulous boyfriend meeting me at the park to give me a kiss in his suit and tie! haha it was amazing!

ttfn

Anxiety Scale: 3.5