I love you

David and I went to Niagara Falls to stay over for the night just to get away from the crazyness of our lives and spend some quality time together. We headed down to the Falls with absolutely zero traffic with the sun pounding on our faces. Once we arrived, we managed to find amazing $5.00 24 hour parking and had lunch together. We then checked into our gorgeous room at the Hilton and then spent the rest of the evening walking around Clifton Hill hand in hand being little tourists. We visited the Wax Museum and Ripleys Believe it or not and some gift shops. We then went back to our room to change for a romantic dinner. Once we left the restaurant we were walking back to our hotel and i hear in the background, Falling for you-Colbie Caillet...that was the song i told David i used to listen to when i knew i was in love with him but too chicken to say anything. That was probably my favourite part. We came back to the room to a beautiful jacuzzi bath full of bubbles and candles and spent the rest of the evening together. We then woke up to a terrific breakfast and we walked around the falls.

It was the most perfect weekend and i had seemed to fall in love all over again with the greatest guy ever! He's my rock, my pillar of support, and most importantly my best friend. I love you.

TTFN

Anxiety Scale: 1.4

...but i will not crumble

Well this is day 2 of me being home from a brutal ass sore throat that is making me very blue.

However! i finally got up on the whitney houston-oprah interview. So i cried...obviously, just because she's so incredibly amazing, but if you haven't heard her new album...GET IT! probably one of the best purchases i've made in a while.

Although all i have is a sore throat and i'm oober bummed about it...just hearing her lyrics and hearing her form...i swear my throat got better. She's such a remarkable woman...who found the strength to get out of a relationship that went sour. She did take her time...but she left when she was good and ready. I relate that to my own issues sometimes with anxiety. I have my days where i think i'm just going to be anxious the rest of my life and nothing will ever change. Then there are days where i seem to find the strength to get my ass in gear and start fighting this 8 year battle. This whole throat sitch is making me stressed because i can't afford to miss class...however when you're in radio...you sorta need your voice...and i also don't want to get anyone else sick...not like i'll be sticking my tongue down anyone's throat...but you never know.

It's amazing the affect that music can have on me. Music is what has gotten me through some really tough break-ups and friendships. Whether it's Adele, Whitney, Taylor Swift, Beyonce, or even Dallas Green...lyrics just speak to me in ways that no one else i know can. Music can also make me realize how good my life really is. Falling for you by Colbie Caillet makes me realize how i felt when i started falling in love with my boyfriend and i was too chicken shit to tell him. Or Strength by Whitney Houston when i realize how much progess i've actually made when its come to my anxiety. Another song would be Best Day by Taylor Swift from her old album but it reminds me of my mom and how she's always been there for me.

Yes...one interview with Whitney and Oprah and these are all the thoughts that start going through my mind. Hopefully after a little visit to my naturopath she'll give me something for my throat because i can't miss ANOTHER day of school...cause shit will hit the fan!

TTFN

Anxiety Scale: 5.7 (kinda high)

Extreme composition

After a lovely 3 hour service at synagogue (ugh!) i spent the day working on my photography assignment for class. Although i'm in radio...apparently taking pictures is a huge deal.

So i went around my neighbourhood getting different angles, going to different parks, with vitamin water in hand and decided to destroy the neighbourhood. I think i got some decent shots but what do i know? like i said, i'm in radio!

Last night i had my rosh hashanna din din where 13 members of my family graced us with their presence. To my surprise there was a new member of the family. My uncle brought his golden-doodle puppy named Hank to the festivities. Pretty much one of the most adorable dogs i have ever seen! He has such a personality it's incredible!

We ate tons and tons of hungarian food and of course a lovely toffee apple cheesecake from yours truly! It was also my grandfathers 85th birthday! which was a huge milestone due to the fact that about 2 months ago he went in for a double bi-pass and a valve replacement.

My pictures consisted of a lot of squirells...i like squirells...they're cute and fuzzy...i hope my prof likes squirells...or else i fail!

I also got to see my friend Amber today who i haven't seen in 3 weeks and it was the high-light of my day...aside from my fabulous boyfriend meeting me at the park to give me a kiss in his suit and tie! haha it was amazing!

ttfn

Anxiety Scale: 3.5

If i could create a place that's my own world.

And I'm back!

It's been a while and a lot has gone on...too much to even begin to type out

School has started...amazing!

Wicked program with a lot of awesome people. We're all aquantances...and feed off eachother in some way.

I have a little crew...no big! Good friends are hard to come by but i see potential.

One girl to begin with...one word to describe her....exquisite! So full of life and energy...confidence through the roof...much love!

Finally reached a milestone in my life that took long enough to reach...but i stuck to my morals and went for it when i felt it was right. One word to describe that moment...true.

Slowly adapting to my new surroundings and the new 4-walls that i call my second home...loving it so far.

In previous posts i've talked about love and my boyfriend....but in all honesty...i think i finally learned what true love is.

Side effects:

1. Warm and fuzzy

2. Feel like floating

3. Thinking of your partner...all smiles

4. You miss them once they leave

5. Wild energy between the two

6. It's epic!

Currently listening to John Tesh via computer through my new headphones...balla!

Side Note:

I HATE KANYE WEST

sorry...needed to be said.

My writing is a little different then my previous posts....it's cause my thoughts are squirelly so this is how they're coming through.

Saw someone get anxious today...i helped without letting my own issues get in the way...feeling: impowerment!

Another sidenote:

I can't stand when people ask, "Have you fucked yet?" fucking is fucking...no emotional attachment...no passion...just two people humping like jack-rabbits.

It's sex...i'm not 65 so i wont say making love...but it's sex....if you're with you're partner and you love them...you're having sex....you're not fucking! However...super horny...wanna get it on...you prefer to say fuck cause it sounds more raw...by all means! Just don't say it to me.

It's getting cold outside.

I'm really thirsty.

Gwen Stefani is singing in my ears.

Seeing a hypno-therapist for my anxiety...wicked!

TTFN.

Anxiety Scale: 3.4

Cruisin together...

After a wonderful Hungarian meal at my grandparents last night, i decided i had a lot on my mind and i desperately needed to clear it. So what do i do when i have so many thoughts jumbling around in my little noggin? i go for a 2 hour drive all over the city listening to music and let my thoughts go wild.

I started off in Thornhill where i wandered around the areas of my childhood where i grew up, followed by coming back to my area and heading to old places where i used to have dates with my ex boyfriend. After that i headed downtown just to see the beautiful scenery, then somehow wandered into China town, and then i ended up back home safe and sound.

I was listening to tons of relaxing and slow songs just to make myself feel more comfortable and at ease so i could think more clearly...and boy did it work.

I spent a lot of timing reflecting my birthday week and my party and my friends...but i also thought about my past and present relationships and what they really mean to me. My party was pretty good...i really wish the people who said they'd come could have because when you expect about 20-30 people to show up and only 18 arrive...you get a little disappointed. Sorta reminds me of my 11th birthday when i invited maybe 10 kids and only 4 showed up...i know...really, really sad. You sort of have to learn to let it roll off your back...but i think to myself...i'm 20 years old now...do i still have to wonder if my really good friends are going to have my back? it's sort of pathedic. You still have to put them up to tests to see if they'll really be there for you? Some of my friends showed up later whether it was due to work or some other obligation but atleast they showed up.

There's a lot of things i wanted to accomplish before i hit 20 and one of them was to defeat my anxiety...obviously i'm not there yet....but another huge thing was to realize who my TRUE friends are....and it's so sad that out of the 40 or so i hang out with....it's still really hard for me to pin point who will be the ones that will stick around through the long hall. In my head i have about 5 or so...that's sorta sad....out of 40? yeesh. My friend EG asked me why i have such high expectations on my birthday...why do i want so much? Well i have a perfect answer for that....out of the 364 days of the year i'm there for everyone...you need me i'll be there at the drop of a hat...the one day out of the year it's my birthday...i guess i sort of expect people to do the same for me. Sure, things come up and i completely understand that...the whole world doesn't revolve around me on May 20th....but you'd think the people who are supposed to be my friends would put in just a little extra effort. For example: EG had to work till 1 am on my birthday...and she told me that no matter what she'll be there at my party....and although it was 1 45 when she arrived...she still showed up to wish me a happy birthday. I appreciated more then anything. Lord knows i wouldn't want to go anywhere after working till 1am...but she gave me her word and she went through with it. That in my eyes....is a pretty damn good friend.

These were the thoughts that were swirling around in my head last night when it came to my friends. When it came to relationships aka boyfriends it was a little different.

My boyfriend pretty much went all out for my birthday...and i had such a horrible anxiety episode cause of my birthday i didn't really get to enjoy it to the fullest extent. He did such an amazing job and although we fought before my party began...we still ended up being together on my birthday...and that's really all i wanted. My ex actually showed up to my party which was sort of funny. Sort of innappropriate but i did invite him so i guess i shouldn't have expected anything less. Although it's soo incredibly hard to really tell how much my bf likes me....with things like this...you can sorta tell. Our next obstacle is to get all that love junk outta the way haha but i have no idea when that's going to happen.

Well i think i blabbed on enough...i have 6 days in a row of good ol' work.

Get Pumped!!!

Till next time......

TTFN

Anxiety Scale: 2.7

Why'd i have to grow up so fast...

Okay so it's the day after the birthday and i didn't think turning 20 was going to affect me so hard haha. I just think about it on the regular and it just boggles my mind that everything has just flown by without me even noticing.

Middle school just flew by and high school was even faster. High school was so amazing and i enjoyed every second of it that i never wanted it to end. University just seemed to sneak up on me and seperated my friends and i and made me rely on myself even more then i already do.

To make myself feel a little better, on Saturday when i'm having my house jam i'm going to play oldie music to bring me back a little bit to the good ol' 90's. The songs mainly remind me of my camp times which was so incredibly amazing. There was no such thing as cool and un-cool and when there were cliques i always tried to spread myself easily amongst both groups and i never saw it as black and white...just rainbows! I remember just being this huge tom-boy playing soccer, basketball, tetherball, and of course always being on stage participating in plays.

I definitly missed the freedom of playing sports...just running to the point where you thought your legs were going to fall off...having a group of guys and girls behind you and protecting you no matter what. Beind on stage was my second home...having the opportunity to be somebody else for an hour or two who is completely opposite from you...it's soo fun!! i have to be Jay Kay for the rest of my life...but i've been blessed enough to be put into the shoes of some very ridiculous characters and it was purely fantastic.

Yet, i went through some pretty tough and annoying stuff when i was a youngster too....i guess maybe 20 wont be too awful. I'm still young....but don't expect me to continue celebrating after my 21st!....man i'm going to be an ugly 21 year old when i'm 95....*shudders*

TTFN

Anxiety Scale: 5.7

Goodbye teenage years...

Well today is officially my last day as a teenager. Tomorrow is my 20th birthday and i'm slightly depressed about it. I have no idea where the past 6 years of my teenaged life has gone...it was awkward, sad, funny, happy, lovely, and all around ridiculous. I thought graduating high school was going to be my breaking point...but turning 20 is hitting me hard.

Tomorrow night i'm going out with the family and le boyfriend for dinner and getting presents and stuff afterwards. That's the only thing i'm looking forward to really...oh! and the jam this weekend. However, why don't we do a little reflection period shall we...

Ages 11-13:

Awful years! So awkward went through so much stupid drama with girls and boys and middle school that i couldn't wait to get older just so i could leave the misery.

Ages 14-16:

Pretty pimp. First few years of high school, getting my license and my first car with my friends. Endless cruising and break ups and make ups. First base, second base, third base...too funny and of course awkward but great.

Ages 17-19:

Saying goodbye to long-term boyfriends...saying goodbye to friends and graduating high school. Getting into university and trying to make a name for myself with a school of 50 000. Car accidents, dating, new jobs, new friends and of course more car accidents.

Now...20....

Don't know what's in store. All i know is that September i'm starting a new school and a new program. I've been promoted at work to supervisor and i'm in a new long term relationship that's flourishing.

The hardest thing is not saying teen after my age. I guess i finally have to grow up...although deep down inside...i'm still 12 years old.

TTFN

Anxiety Scale: 3.4

Mirror, mirror, on the wall...

Well i haven't blogged in quite some time because i've been working non stop but this week i had two days off in a row...before my 5 days of hell begin. Last week was crazy because of mothers day so it totally drained me and the two days were much needed.

I got to spend time with my two girlfriends pretty much the past two days and it's always a treat to see them. One of them i really don't talk to too much during the year just because her and i are terrible at phones and we'll only speak to eachother if we have something that we really want to tell one another. Over this past year (being out of school now) i've had more time to be with myself when i'm off work (mainly because everyone else is in school including my bf) so i'm shopping more and running around more...but by myself. I'm really enjoying it because i become more independent and base things strictly on my opinion now rather then others. Slowly...very slowly...i've started to develop my own style (not in a creepy way like i wear bowling shoes and overalls) but i'm deciding what i like and what i think looks good. I also re-designed my room a bit to make it more zen and relaxing for my anxiety. My friend doesn't seem to either notice the little changes i've made or makes little comments about it. The other thing i want to start doing is really caring less about what my friends really think about me. There are times when i put so much effort into how i look and what i'm wearing and they don't even say a peep. I don't know why but sometimes i feel just so much less attractive when i'm with them. My friends are pretty girls...pretty much my whole crew (all 40 of us) are a group of attractive people. When i'm with the whole crew...they tend to acknowledge by presence and tell me how i look...but my girls...they don't. I really shouldn't care since it's always been like this and what's on the outside really doesn't matter....but to hear some sort of comment from the girls you've grown up with...would be nice. I feel they only notice the bad...never the good.

On a higher note...my relationship with my bf is flourishing :) It was his birthday the week of the 4th so we spend pretty much everyday together that week. Monday was his birthday where i took him out for dinner and his friends surprised him there (all my plan!) and i bought him a watch for his birthday. I took him out for drinks later as well and got him nicely tipsy...i was proud. Then wednesday we went to high park and had a picnic lunch and then he came over for a family dinner and after we watched the baseball game...where i passed out at 12am because baseball is not entertaining haha. Then friday was his birthday family dinner where we had a very nice time as well. In the car he told me that he's starting to develop stronger feelings for me and it's making him nervous. LOVIN IT! haha. I've been developing stronger feelings for him too and he makes me really happy. I've had my fair share of relationships and out of all of them, i've never been so comfortable with anyone then i am with him. I can totally be myself without worrying what if he wont like the real me. We've also been together for almost 8 months so we're passed that point...but we were like that right at the beginning too...and it's just amazing. He has also slowly started to meet my friends (because all of them were away at school and we're losers who stay here in the tdot) and i'm getting approvals everywhere which is also very nice.

I miss him though...i haven't seen him in 2 days and i'm starting to go a little squirelly...it's pathedic. We haven't really talked either cause he's been soo busy with school and my phone is outta commission. And texting is pretty hard too....aka my temp phone doesn't have T9 and i'm dying without it!!!

Hope this weather keeps being fab right until next week cause it's my birthday (ahhh) and the party will be goin down.

Until next time...

TTFN

Anxiety Scale: 2.4

And we're back...

I know i haven't blogged in quite some time due to the fact that i've been working like a craze-o and my internet has been down. I finally got a new company and my interenet is back up and running...for now.

Things have been pretty hectic lately with work and this working full-time business is totally putting a cramp in my style. The only official day i have off is on Mondays (cause my store is closed) and because it's my only day...i cramp it with any appointment i have to make, or plans, and i don't even get a chance to relax on my day off...it's sort of frustrating.

Well the biggest news that is goin down is that slowly everyone is returning from school and the hood is flourishing again with familiar faces. Now i have to balance not only work and a boyfriend, i have my friends to throw back into the mix as well. I've definitly been slacking in the friendship department because of how busy i am and it's quite irritating.

David came over yesterday where we had a lovely 2 hour chat sesh and we got a visit from my two friends E and S. I freaked cause obviously i haven't seen them in ages and it was just so amazing to know that i'm not completely alone for the next 4 months or so. Although we're all going to be working and others are going to be going for their MCATS and what not, i just hope we're not too old to still goof around and have a good time.

My birthday is fast approaching and i'm getting more and more horrified that i'm going to be turning 20. I mean, i still remember sitting in my backyard with my friend EG and talking about how i can't believe we're 16 and in 4 years we're going to be 20. Now it's less then a month away and my teenage years are slowly disappearing.

Today i was driving past my old high school and i saw all the kids walking around and chatting and getting into their cars to drive home, and i couldn't help but think that, that was me not too long ago. Where the hell did the time go? I still remember my first fight with a friend, my first boyfriend, my first kiss, my first date, my first party, and when i got my license with one of my closest friends. Every single milestone has just vanished before my eyes and it's just unreal.

Funny enough, is that when i was in middle school i always felt so lost because everyone had been friends with eachother from the previous years, where i have moved from school to school. I was always so envious that they had that connection and those ever lasting friendships...and i never thought i'd have that. Now that i'm reflecting on previous milestones i realize that i finally do have that. The good friends that i have now are the ones i've been friends with for nearly 8 years. They've been there through my first boyfriends, my first dates, my first heartbreaks, my license, and they've even been to my brothers bar-mitzvah. I'm so lucky to have these people in my life and although we're all so different and as the years go by we start to develop our own lives...we can still come back to the hood and it's as if nothing has changed.

We all have our own things going on whether it's new friends, new schools, new relationships, but the one thing that hasn't changed is our love and respect for one another.

I can't wait for the summer to finally begin, and this warm weather to stick around longer then one day, and i can hardly wait for our late night coffees, the bar hops, the hooka sesh's, the tanning, the swimming, the car rides to harbour front at 12am, the house parties, the movie nights, and of course the rekindling of our never broken friendships.

I feel like a lot has happened to me in the past 8 months since everyone's left. I've dropped out of school because of the strike at York, i've been working full-time, i've been in a commited relationship, i've been slowly dealing with my anxiety more, i've started to finally come into my own, and slowly discovered who i really am. I thought i went through all the soul searching after Rob and i split but apparently i had more to go. I realized that i have a serious trust issue due to my past experiences with girls in middle school. I tend to give too much and am too afraid to receive anything in return with the fear that people will peace. Knowing now that that's an issue, i'm hoping to work on that more and become the person i want to be. I'm finally talking to someone on a weekly basis about my anxiety to the point where i'm so tired of it defining me. I don't want me to say my name is Jay Kay and i have anxiety, i don't want that to be my title. This anxiety has been my ball and chain. It's preventing me from being the best friend i can be, the best girlfriend, the best daughter, and all around the best Jordi i can be. And i'm confident that in due time this anxiety will finally be put to rest and be buried with every other negative thing that has come my way so i can start off with a clean slate in September where i'm finally doing exactly what i want to do. Until next time...

TTFN

Anxiety Scale: 4.3

Brain Cramp...

So i haven't written a post in way too long so i think a mini update is in order.

Passover has finally ended and seeing the whole fam jam was stellar! Seeing my cousins and my aunts and uncles is always a blast and a half. I had my second sedar on thursday at my g-rents and it was brutal!!! i actually got plastered in order to survive the night...so the wine was a flowing...and my walking was a stumbling...but it was all good. I ended up spending the whole weekend working and at night seeing the boyfriend which was fabulous.

I finally got the actual acceptance letter from Seneca yesterday and i was quite pleased :). I've been loving the weather lately as well. Took the puppy for a walk yesterday and it was amazing. I also had lunch outside at work today which was so great!

I worked 8 hours today and for some reason i have drawn a blank on what i really wanted to blog about. (sits and thinks for 20 minutes)

Okay i'm going to try and write something more interesting soon...

The reason for my lack of blogs is due to my stupid internet that has not worked and i'm not pleased!!!

TTFN

Anxiety Scale: 3.6

Hello Future...

All i have to say is....

I GOT ACCEPTED TO SENECA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

out of 3000 people i'm 1 out of the 45 who got in! :)

i'm over the moon...i've cried...i've laughed...i'm in shock!!!!!

Time to become a radio broadcaster!

Peace Out Brussel Sprout!!!

Anxiety Scale:...i don't even know!

That look in your eyes...

Do you ever have that moment where you wish a certain minute will last forever?

After surviving the meet the family dinner with David, him and i hung out at my place after for a couple of hours. I don't know if it was the sense of accomplishment i felt knowing that i can survive a meet the family evening or just being with him, but i felt something new.

I've been in love once and i've started to fall in love once and i have also fallen in lust. Although i'm not close to any of the above, i feel that i've been having those warm and fuzzy moments a lot more lately. Being with someone for 6 months isn't a heck of a long time but it is my longest relationship since my last longest relationship. Slowly feeling more comfortable with someone and enjoying the time you spend with one another is such a great feeling. There are moments when i'm looking into his eyes and i think there's no where else i'd want to be right now. Of course in my head i hear music and i wish that maybe he'll say something to take my breath away but there's also a part of me that needs to understand that this is real life and not a movie. I feel thats why so many girls never get there expectations met because they think all their boyfriends will pull a Zac Efron or Ryan Gosling or Shane West and climb up our windows and jump into our rooms and sweep us off our feet. I don't think romance is dead by any means since my boyfriend is romantic but whatever happened to the days where you just want to spill your guts to someone or do the littlest thing to make them happy just cause it's a ...thursday or something.

There's a song by Taylor Swift called White Horse and it sort of proves what i'm saying that i'm not a princess, this aint a fairytale, but i wish that one day i can read someones eyes and REALLY know what they're feeling. David looks into my eyes and it's like he knows what i'm thinking....i think my green eyes tell a story... i just wish his brown ones did the same.

Romance isn't dead...it's just on hiatus.

TTFN

Anxiety Scale: 5.6

Meet the Silvers...

Well tonight is the night i've been prepping for, for over 2 months. Tonight I'm meeting the boyfriends whole family. As in the 4 siblings, the grandmother, the aunt and uncle and 2 cousins. It's Davids oldest brothers birthday dinner and of course i'm being asked to come. This whole week i have actually been crapping my pants nervous about this. Now the day has finally arrived. Apparently my 2 months of prep didn't go down very well. In about 5 hours i have to get ready and i'm actually freaking out. So much so that my anxiety has sky rocketed this week. It's not that i'm afraid they wont like me, or they wont like how i look, it's just a scary situation.

I've been in my share of relationships and when i was with my ex for 2 years i pretty much met the whole family...but it was all my accident and not all of them together at once so that was okay. Unlike this moment where it's all planned out and i literally want to faint haha. It's a beautiful day outside but i think i'm going to spend all of today prepping for this as in doing yoga, meditating, and possibly getting completely hammered...(joking on the hammered part).

Wish me luck!!

TTFN

Anxiety Scale: 8.3...yeah i know!

Can i have this dance?

Another overcast day here in the city of Toronto. Still waiting to hear from Seneca and i'm becoming less and less confident as the days slowly drag on.

Jakie and i are just chilling trying to decide what to do today. I'm thinking of hitting up American Apparel to finally get those hoodies i've been wanting for eons. I was supposed to hang with the bf today as per usual but he's too busy for me today grr haha.

Don't really have too much to post today however i wanted to share something with whoever girl reads this blog. You know the most annoying part about being a female (aside from dealing with the opposite sex) is having our period. I found this website that is meant to make our lives easier by telling us when we're supposed to ovulate and expect our period. So for you chicka's who aren't on the nasty pill and have to rely on our good ol' bodies...this site is perf for you. http://www.mon.thly.info.com/ and it's pretty awesome. Just type in your past few periods and it keeps track of your cycle so you don't have to.

ps i finally watched Twilight last night...and it made me want to be in a movie more then anything. Just like when i watched HSM3 and deep down i wish i'd get swept off my feet and a song will play and we can dance in the rain. I feel cheesy things like that only happen with your first love but what do i know. I've dance under the moonlight before...however that was all my doing haha.

All i'm asking is...Can i have this dance?

TTFN

Anxiety Scale:3.2

We will still be friends forever...

I just finished a nice breakfast of cardboard cereal and a banana and i'm ready to start my day. I have to stop off at my dads factory to drop off some stuff then the rest of the day is mine to enjoy. I think i might actually do a little shopping for myself for once in my life...i'm tres pumped! A couple days ago i had coffee with my two great friends E and G and a little something happened that put my friendships into perspective. I have great friends, don't get me wrong, but sometimes i think how the hell can i be friends with people who really don't get me. When i was out for coffee with the girls...E was going through my purse and i asked her "Whats up?" and she pulled out my little hand sanitizer and i asked "How did you know i had hand sanitizer?" and she responded with the best response ever, "cause you WOULD have sanitizer in your purse." That little 3 second moment put every form of warm and fuzzies possible in my tiny little heart. Just knowing that one amazing friend knew something THAT small about me was incredible. This has happened on other occasions. When my girls who i like to call JEEBS like to confront me on something i get super awkward and i start to read things. I never knew this until all of them at once pointed it out and said, "you're reading...stop being awkward". It made me laugh knowing that even tiny manerisms like that they can read. I've been friends with JEEBS since pretty much the beggining of middle school and the beginning of high school. They cause me so much anger, stress, happiness, laughter and all around fun that i don't know what to with them sometimes. The only issue with JEEBS is they don't get my anxiety. I don't blame them with this because it's a very difficult concept to wrap your head around. But i'm glad i have a few friends that may not understand it....but they accept it.

For example: During reading week everyone was going to Philthies on monday and i HATE philthies with a passion...not only cause it's philth but i had a really, really bad anxiety attack there once and it's put a bad taste in my mouth. I was telling some JEEBS that i wasn't going to go and they were furious at me...and E and G were the only two who understood and told me not to worry about it. In the end i went and JEEBS were proud of me but despite how intoxicated E and G were they kept coming up to me and asking if i was okay and it made me feel good that they actually care.

As mentioned above my friends are the greatest friends in the world. They think i deserve the best and i they know that if they EVER need anything i'll be there in a heartbeat. My only problem is...due to my horrible friendship experience in middle school...i have to understand that if i do rely on a friend....they're not going to say no and stop being friends with me. I've noticed this only recently that i have a serious trust issue with relationships whether romantic or friendship. I don't rely on anyone but myself and that's because i don't fully trust anyone else. That's something i REALLY need to work on.

Anyway time to finish my banana and get stated on my day...at 11 40...haha i love days off!

TTFN

Anxiety Scale:4.7

The New Girl...

This is going to be a short post due to the fact that i'm so kerfuffled i can't think straight.

I was working another lovely 8 hour shift today when my ex Rob decided to come in for a visit. I was so excited to see him that i leaped into his arms and gave him a big hug and a kiss. Then he says to me..."I want you to meet Vanessa" which is his new girlfriend. I feel all the blood rush away from my face as i turn to see who the new gf was. This girl is so incredibly gorgeous i wanted to die. I shook her hand politely and asked them if they needed anything. They sat down and had two cappucino's and a cupcake each. I stood and chatted with them and was as civil as can be. Although deep down i secretly wanted to wish i wasn't standing there. The new girl got to meet me looking disgustingly gross with my hair pulled back in a "Eat More Cake" shirt and best of all...disgusting sweatpants. I could have died. Rob said to me...'"i knew you wanted to meet her so here she is!" ...uh..yeah...i wanted to meet her when i looked a little more FEMALE!!! So the girl who has taken my place in his life is drop dead gorgeous and now i feel like well...what's worse then the ugly duckling?....*thinks*...not too sure but i'll get back to it. Everything about her was flawless. Although i didn't get a chance to REALLY chat with her...on a completely superficial standpoint...she was pretty damn perfect. Amazing style, great hair, flawless complexion....she even had nice eyes.

Why does the guy who causes the heart break always come out on top?

TTFN

Anxiety Scale: 5.7

Early bird catches the worm...

It's 9 30 am and i've been up since 7 30 am. The sun is shining and it's going to be beautiful today. I'm going to get off my lazy ass...do some yoga and start my day.

TTFN

Debbie Travis...afied

I got up at 7 30 this morning to head to work today for 9. It was a long day today...so long that i finished at 11. There wasn't much work to do so i was asked to go home and it was lovely!!! I went home had a nice breakfast of toast with creamcheese with a slice of tomato, and a cup of earl grey tea. Then i did some emailing and hopped into the shower to start my day...again. I decided today would be a perfect day to find an anniversary present for my boyfriend since it's our 6 months this Friday. This present day turned into a spending money on me day...which never happens!

Slowly i've been trying to redecorate my room from a young girl to a mature woman. Although i'm not even close to being a "mature woman" i thought i'd attempt something along those lines. I've been trying to turn my room into a calm and peaceful oasis.

Today i purhased a beautiful white floating shelf to put on my wall next to my bed. I also purchased a serenity fountain which is supposed to calm your mind, body and spirit and purify your room. And just to add a typical Jordi flare...i bought a scented candle that smells like clean laundry (aka my fav smell in the world). To add to this collection...a couple weeks ago i purchased a infinity tea light set. Where with the magic of mirrors (haha) it looks like there's a million lights going horizontally. It's really beautiful!

In addition, in a couple of weeks i'm getting a painting that my manager said he'd paint for me that i will be putting over my bed. Hopefully these minor touches will have a big impact and although it will continue to be a slow process...i will turn this room into something special.

TTFN

Anxiety Scale: 4.2

The waiting game...

Well I've been working my face off the last week and next week is the death week. 51 hours of work...i don't even want to think about it.

While working i've also been waiting to hear if i've been accepted or not to Seneca. I'm trying not to think about it every second of the day because as they say: "A watched pot never boils" so i guess the same goes with the mail: "A watched mailbox never gets the right letters"....something along those lines.

So today being my first day off in 4 days i woke up late which was amazing! cleaned up the kitchen to surprise my mommy and made myself a cup of tea. It's been a few days since i've been on the computer so the first thing i did was check my facebook. I had a message from this group i'm a part of called The Message in a Bottle. For those of you who don't know...this is a group dedicated to Cory Mintz the boy who passed away July 3rd in a car crash up in Muskoka. I went to camp and school with Cory so when i heard the news it came as a total shock. I visited the website and there are 4 videos posted interviewing Cory's mom, dad and sister. It's really difficult to watch something with that much raw emotion but it's really necessary. For those of you who want to be REALLY educated on what happened and not what the media has been putting out, please visit: http://www.themessageinthebottle.com/

It's time for me to get ready...pick up my puppy from his fur cut...and possibly do a little shopping.

TTFN

Anxiety Scale: 3.8

It's raining, it's pouring....

Well this is my first day off in a while and although the temp is pretty warm...the clouds have opened up.

After an interesting night last night at good ol' Smokey Joe's, i had a wonderful sleep in till 12 30 and now i have no idea what to do with my life and it's almost 3. I'm still sitting in my pj's in my house all by my lonesome. In addition, i wish i had something interesting to blog about...but unfortunately i do not. Except for the fact that i had a blood test yesterday and they took 9 viles of blood...like hello! so not legit. I had to wake up at 8 am, go the hospital, get blood raped, then work for 8 hours...oh and go out to a bar to meet my boyfriends friends for the first time. WHAT A DAY!

So maybe i deserve a day to do absolutely nothing...hmm...i think i might just do that.

TTFN

Anixety Scale: 3.2

Shake it like a polaroid picture...

I've recently become slightly obsessed with the After Show on MTV. So obsessed infact that i have signed up for Dan Levy's weekly newletter called "Doop". It's Dan's own version of Gweneth Paltrow's newsletter "Goop". Pretty much, lovely Dan, sends newsletters about the latest things he's discovered, his opinions on different things, and what's new and fabulous in his little world. His latest newsletter had to do with this function you can download that turns your regular jpeg picture into digital polaroids. It's pretty cool and it gives your photos a very vintage sort of look to them. I just downloaded it and i'm quite impressed and who doesn't like a good ol' polaroid snapshot!

Once again i had a lovely 8 hour shift at Dufflet today and everything went pretty smoothly. Wasn't too busy yet wasn't too dead yet somehow i managed to work my ass off once again. Near the end of my shift at around 5 o'clock i had a little asshole of a customer come in. He grabbed my attention quite annoyingly in fact and asked me to name every single product in our display case. After taking about 3.5 minutes to do that, he asked me what the prices were of everything. Once again another 3.5 minutes goes by then he asks me to describe some of the products. Slowly a line of customers start to form behind him and he's really starting to get on my nerves. After about a solid 8 minutes of driving me nuts! he says "Okay thanks!" and leaves. I was about to chase after him and put a gun to his head to buy a damn cake! I then serve the next customer who said to me "I have no idea how you can put up with people like that!" I swear this man must have been so G-d damn bored that he had to ruin my day with his stupid wise ass. Grrr!!! i was not pleased.

Once again...another day at Dufflet and i leave unscaved but a little more annoyed at people.

TTFN

Anixety Scale: 4.3

ps got my review today from work...apparently i exceed expectations...tee hee..KEENER!!! :)

If i were a rich girl...

Yesterday at work i had the pleasure of meeting this customer who was roughly about my age...a pretty blonde girl. She had the typical Tiffany's ring that everyone has...the big thick chained silver one from the 1876 collection. However, hers was more like a band and i instantly fell in love with it. After work i ran home to see the price of it...and of course it was a little out of my price range by...oh i dont know...$500. I mentioned it to my parents at dinner as a 20th birthday present and of course my dad laughed and my mom didn't say anything, yet put a mental check in her head. However, i just got home from a morning of errands and getting onto my computer this morning was a huge bitch. I have an Acer and my boyfriend makes fun of me for it saying it's a huge piece of crap. Well for once in my 5 month relationship i'm going to agree with him...this laptop is total SHIT! So now i'm debating whether to spend another 700 on a pc or finally update and ask my parents to get me a mac for my 20th. For the longest time i said i will never get a mac i'm a pc supporter for life. However, the fact that i got this computer a year ago and it's already crapping out is a little annoying.
So this is my inner struggle and debate...whether to get another pc for 700 and replace it in a year or spend 1200 on a mac and not have to replace it for about 5 years. I will be going against my beliefs but....people's beliefs can change right? i'm not trying to be like everyone else getting the mac i'm just being...(ive literally been sitting here for 5 minutes trying to think of the right word) lets say...smart.
Another thing i encountered today was that i went to get my eyebrows done and i noticed it was completely dead in the store. I've been going to the same place on avenue rd for years and seeing it completely deserted was weird for me. I came in and they ran at me asking if i need anything else other then my eyebrows...sadly i shook my head and went to the back room to get them done. Cathy (the woman who does my eyebrows) was telling me that due to the recession and of course the brutal cold weather business has been awful and her son in law just lost his job and everyone seems to slowly be getting affected by this. I felt horrible and wished there was something i could do. Unfortunately i'm incredibly broke and the only reason i had cash to get my eyebrows done was because i won a Deal or no Deal scratch and win last week. So i gave her the 10 dollars for the eyebrows and i had a toonie way down in my wallet for a tip...i looked at her and looked at the girls in the back room bored off their asses just WAITING for a customer...and i gave her a 5. She said in broken english "No No too much!" i said please...take it. She was so happy and it made my day. Now all i have is 2 dollars to my name but atleast i know i gave my money to someone who needs it.
If we can just keep a smile on our faces and enjoy the little we have i think we can attempt to make it through this awful recession with some dignity and grace.

TTFN

Anxiety Scale:2.6

The angels want to listen but the devil you've been kissing all night long...

Well i had an extremely interesting day yesterday. I got a lovely suprise visit from my ex boyfriend Cody who i haven't seen since August and i was totally taken by suprise. It was obviously amazing to see him cause he's just great but it was weird having him in my house again. For 2 years he pretty much lived in my house and now having him back 2 years later was sort of a walk down memory lane for a bit. He was my first love and pretty much my only one for the most part and seeing him in my territory aka his past territory was pretty cool. He still walked around and acted like this was his second home and it made me feel good knowing that no matter what he is still welcome. It's wild to think about how much we've both grown up over the past couple of years without eachother. We've both have dated plenty of other people and had our share of hook-ups and relationships. We've also attended university, met new people, experienced new things...all within a few thousand miles of eachother. Yet, when we both come back to reality and we're together it's as if nothing has changed. Yes we are a little bit older, wiser, stronger and experienced but there's still this comfortable and easy feeling when we're together like although our 2 year relationship is long gone...it will never be forgotten. Who knows what will happen in the future with him and i but as long as he's still a part of my life...that's all that matters. :)

Now as for today...another week, another day, and another 8 hours at Dufflet. I feel as if i live there for the most part. This working for a living thing is crazy. In the next 2 weeks I'm going to be working 51 hours in one week. I literally think i'm going to die haha it's just so unbelievable what not being in school does to you.
Driving home after an 8 hour day from work...a band that i barely listen to came on my ipod. The band is Trophy and they're lyrics are literally mental...they're so incredibly artistic and unreal. This is an underground band that a couple friends and i had the pleasure of listening to a couple summers back after one of our friends were on stage with their band. We fell in love with the singer due to the fact that he looked exactly like Ryan Gosling...it was just a plus that his band was amazing. My friend bought the cd and i borrowed it from her this summer and i haven't listened to the whole cd yet just the one song i love. However, today another song came on from them and i was too lazy to change the song so i listened to it...and it made me appreciate this band more then anything. They're amazing and unfortunately they don't have a myspace and it's impossible to find them but if anyone wants to be moved by the most mind boggling lyrics that seem to reach down into your soul and spread your heart out right infront of you....i suggest you ask me for the cd.

Now...it's time for a hot shower...a hot cup of tea...and some lyrical therapy from Trophy.

TTFN!

Anxiety Scale: 3.6

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine...

It's another sunny and beautiful day...yet effing freezing cold. Just did some minor facebook stalkage and my friend Nina is in beautiful Melbourne Aussie land and i'm soooooo jealous. I wish i had the guts to just get up and leave somewhere for a bit. I think when the weather is nice enough i'm going to take a weekend to myself and head somewhere north. I don't know where and i don't know when...but hopefully this is a little plan that i can pursue.

Either way i can not WAIT for summer. Although i'm pretty much only going to have one day off a week with my new crazy ass work schedule, i'm going to be looking forward to that day like no other. I'm hoping atleast once a month i can just drive somewhere, park the car, and just sit in the grass with a delicious Passion Tea Lemonade from starbs and read a book with the sun beating down on my face. I've been thinking about this moment a lot lately and it's making me really ansy for spring. The weather is being a little mean with this beautiful looking weather but the actual temperature is inhumane!

Just to bring myself more into the spring mood...whenever i'm driving to work in the morning...i blast my latest obsession Sunglasses- Divine Brown, put on my shades and just rock out, making it feel as if it is the spring time. I know it's stupid because when i finally get out of the warmth of my car i feel as if penguins should be waddling by...but i enjoy it.

I also can't wait till i can go on walks again. I love walking around the area not only for the excercise and fresh air but it just makes me realize how lucky i am to live in such an amazing area. Yes we are surrounded by some extremely rich and snobby people, but once in a while you bump into the really kind and sweet people that know that they're lucky to have this luxury but don't flaunt it. Working in this area for the past 5 years, i've had the pleasure of meeting some really decent people, and when i'm out and about walking around, i get to see them and say a little hi hello and it makes me feel good. It makes me feel more at home outside of my own home just being able to walk around the area and see familiar faces. I know i'm a city girl at heart but i love the country life of knowing people you walk by, i think it's sort of sweet. Thats why i always get a warm and fuzzy feeling whenever i'm at stradford or niagra on the lake...i'm sure not everyone knows everyone but it's such a friendly little place to walk around and see smiling faces...i really enjoy it.

All this wishing for spring is putting me in a very squirelly mood because i have to wait another 2-3 months and i want it now! grrrr. Well i'm off to go call York and find out why they're charging me for a whole year's worth of tuition when i was only there for 2 months.

TTFN (ta ta for now)

Anxiety Scale: 4.6

Feeling the truth...

The comfort that i feel for you and i,

is like the freedom of a young bird about to fly.

Rocky at first then smoother near the end,

my heart starts to flutter when our hands start to mend.

Your eyes send the signal that everything is fine,

and sooner rather then later, i'll feel that in time.

When i'm with you i start to look past today,

although that usually scares me, i feel that it's okay.

We're so incredibly different yet almost the same,

i dont even feel like we're playing a stupid game.

I love that when you're with me, you show the true you

it makes me feel special that that's something you do.

You're kind and sweet and best of all you're mine,

i'm so sure of you and i, that i don't need a sign.

A sign to reinforce that what i'm feeling is real,

because the reality is clear by the way you make me feel.

A wise man once said...

Monday night i got a call from my grandfather around 8 o'clock asking me what i was doing Wednesday. When i replied with, "nothing really" he suggested that him and i go out for lunch. I was a little nervous at first because i thought i was in deep doo doo for something but when he assured me he just missed me, all was good.

I woke up this morning at around 10 30 to meet my grandfather at his condo for 12. We had a nice little lunch in the village at the Village Restaurant (wonder where they got the name?) and had quite an interesting conversation. He told me that he felt like he didn't know a lot about me which i thought was total bogus because i think he knows more then he gives himself credit for. He was asking me all about my social life, my friends, and what i see myself doing for school.

I think we all don't give our g-rents enough credit when it comes to the amount of knowledge they have. My grandfather is an 84 year old immigrant from Hungary. He still works, still plays vollyball every Wednesday, goes out for lunch with his buddies on Thursday afternoons, and is happily (common law wed) to a woman 13 years younger. I say my Apa (grandfather in hungarian) is pimpin!

He was giving me some words of wisdom today about my friends and my social life and it boggled my mind how on the nose he was. I was astonished with how much good advice he was able to give me. We think because our grandparents are so old they don't know the difference between a guy friend and a boyfriend. Now, don't get me wrong, they may not know what the hell an ipod is or know that 50 cent is actually a rapper not two quarters...but they really do know everything!

He said something that really stood out in my head today: "The difference between being born and dying is how you live your life". Now, although my grandfather speaks impecible english...he stumbles sometimes. I think what he really meant was that everyone is born and everyone dies and everyone goes through the same transitions in life. You're born, you're a student, a fiance, a wife, a mother, a grandmother, then you kick the bucket. However, if you have an interest in something and decide to live your life based on those interests and become your own person, you will have an exceptional life.

I think my grandfather wants to be younger then 84 years old but in hindsite he really is. He doesn't sit around like the rest of his friends (who are still living) and talk about the past or "when i was your age" nonsense. He lives life for today not yesterday or tomorrow. I think that's something we should all do more often.

I also learned something new today. As i've mentioned in my previous posts that i'm named after my grandmother and i'm apparently exactly like her. Well i learned today that he favourite tea was Earl Grey. And i've just recently become obsessed with that tea. Once again...the littlest things bring me closer to a woman who i don't even know...yet i feel so incredibly attached too.

Anxiety Scale: 4.3

xoxo

Hear the windchime sing...

As i sit in my living room with the sun on my face, steaming tea in my mug, a book to my right, and my windchime playing a new tune with every gust of wind, i can't help but feel content. I suffer from Anxiety and every thought that enters my mind is a negative one. However, when there are days like today when although our ground is covered in a white powder and the wind feels like it's throwing ninja stars at your face, you can't help but smile at how lucky we really are. As mentioned above, i constantly think negatively with my anxiety. The littlest thing i blow out of proportion especially when it's related to any form of stomach discomfort. I just lost a family friend who was 8 months pregnant, felt uncomfortable and went to the doctor to get it checked out. After the second visit she insisted that the doctors take a closer look at her. They decided to deliver the baby prematurely and was devastated to find out the baby was a still-born. One week later she found out that she is in stage 4 of pancreatic cancer. Elise died Saturday night.

When you hear stories like this, or have to face them, you can't help but realize how lucky we really are. Yes i have an anxiety issue that tends to hold me back on occasion, but things could be so much worse. There are people who are losing their jobs out there in the world because of the recession, people are sick and dying all over the world, and there are people who are living on the streets in this cold weather while i'm inside in a warm cozy house.

People are so caught up in the world of high fashion and glamour and superficial non-sense that they don't sit back to think about how lucky they really are. I've never been the type of person who was into the Hollywood lifestyle and i was never into what I was wearing or owned. I don't know if it's the way i was brought up, or it's because i've been chewed up and spit out a few times in my life that i've learned there's more important things to bitch about. However, with this rough patch i've been dealing with the past year i seem to forget to adore the simplicity of life.

For example: my windchime outside...i'm blessed that i can actually hear the beautiful melody it plays. The view of my street outside as a stare out the window...i'm blessed that i can view our snowy town of Toronto. Typing away on my computer being able to create sentences....i'm blessed to have been educated in my life that writing and typing and speaking is something that i was taught and was honoured enough to be taught by fantastic people.

I know an incredible man named Rob who i've had the pleasure of not only calling him my friend but i had the pleasure of calling him my boyfriend for a short time. He taught me to see the beauty around me. He lost his mother at the age of 4 and since then he's learned to cherish every moment and every person in his life. He once told me that if he could...he'd want to be deaf for a week, blind for a week, and handicapped for a week, just to experience what these people have to experience in a lifetime. I thought he was crazy...i told him that he should be happy that he doesn't have to experience that....but because of the kind of person he his...he wants to share others pain so he can really be there for them in mind, body and spirit.

I love Rob more then words can possibly ever describe. For a long time i only hoped that i could show him a glimpse of my love and happiness that he has brought me over the years. For his 23rd birthday i bought him a star. I named the star after his late mother Diana and made sure it was in the coordinates of her horoscope. The reaction i received from him that day will bring me happiness till the day i die. This just goes to show you how the simplest things can bring the utmost happiness and how lucky we are to experience that happiness while others can't.

It's hard to think this everyday but if i'm ever feeling down about myself or anxious or unhappy...i'd like to look back and realize how amazing i really do have it. I have an amazing family, my health, my happiness, my friends, my boyfriend....and of course....that beautiful windchime that sings outside my front door.

Sun in my face, wind in my hair...

Well it's a beautiful sunny Monday morning yet it is EFFING freezing!!! I'm currently sitting in my family room with my pup Jake, (watching him sun bathe in the morning sun) and with a mug of tea in hand. With all this beauty i can't help but think how lucky we all are to have the pleasure of enjoying a sunny day.

Last night i had the pleasure of being accompanied by my lovely bf as we watched the 81st annual Academy Awards. Hugh Jackman, looking as dashing as ever, did an excellent job as host. Even with those extremely tacky musical numbers...he did a superb job. Button did a pretty good job cleaning up, but of course, Slumdog took the cake with best picture. By the way! i totally loved that Zac Efron and Vanessa were there looking adorable and loving. I was disgusted by the fact that when Jennifer Aniston was presenting an award with Jack Black...the camera man HAD TO zoom on over to Brad and Angelina...ew! why waste my perfectly good eye site on such a stupid couple...grr! Although, when good ol' ano angie didn't win best actress...i leaped for joy...stupid bitch...ahem!. For those of you who don't know...i'm a team Aniston fan forever and always!

Now as David and i were snuggling together watching the Oscars...one thing in particular really caught my attention...the short film category. Some homie made a 14 minute movie on pigs or something and won an Oscar. So, David and i decided to have an upcoming project...make our own 15 minute movie...and kick ass at the next year Oscars! woot!! wish us luck!!!

ps: did anyone ever notice that the oscar statue is kind of a babe...hmm... haha!

Anxiety Log:

Been pretty anxious lately...although i'm sure it's from Charlie and his lovely monthly visit. Today is a better day....going to try and keep myself occupied with errands and what not.

Anxiety-5

xoxo

Chasing Pavements

*Sigh* Valentines day...the day couples love...the day singles dread.
I on the other hand don't remember the last time i was single on Valentines day...which is really sad now that i think about it. Last Valentines day i was asked to be someones official girlfriend, and now i'm in a new relationship and about to spend the lovely Hallmark holiday with someone new.
Problem: Finding a gift for a guy!!! now luckily i found the perfect gift but i don't have the money right now which really sucks so I'm going for Plan B. I would say what it is...but just in case the beau realizes i have a blog i refuse to mention the gift till after the 14Th.
Problem 2: I'm working the whole weekend and it's going to be a busy one for us at that. Apparently people need to buy cakes on Valentines day?? i think it's strange but because this love filled day falls on a weekend, my boss thinks it'll be busy. Some how i have to pump myself with caffeine in order to survive this weekend in one piece and look good while doing so for the boyfriend.

Anxiety Log:
Well things were going pretty well. However, Thursday which funny enough was the last day of my CBT class i was incredibly anxious. Friday i felt the brunt of it with symptoms of exhaustion and stomach tightness. Thankfully i got over it however i have been really stressed and anxious lately. This is probably due to some minor stomach issues that of course i blow out of proportion. I just still don't understand why i have this ridiculous fear of vomiting. Like i know my stomach never felt well as a kid but it's not like i was throwing up my whole childhood. Every once in a while I'll get this visual in my head that at this moment what if i throw up? what then? After all the therapy and countless discussions...i still can't figure it out. I know how to deal with anxiety better and i can tell the difference between what's anxiety and what's not.
I just find it hilarious what stress can do to a person. I'm convinced it killed my grandmother and i refuse to let it do the same to me!

Sidenote:
GRAMMYS! Jennifer Hudson= Amazing!!! Adele winning a grammy = best moment ever! and *drum roll* Blink 182 getting back together :D :D :D


Anxiety Scale: 5.3

Sleeping with eyes wide open

Last night my boyfriend David came over for a little movie date and snuggle fest. We watched Slumdog Millionaire which was absolutely sublime! I completely agree with the academy for nominating this film for best picture. The scenes were unreal and the acting was superb. The story line was also mind boggling and the whole movie was just breathtaking.
After watching this terrific film, we snuggled in with oranges in hand and watched the finale of our sectret obsession Double Shot at Love. The lovely Ikki twins finally found love however, one Ikki twin wasn't so lucky and had her heart broken. Now...i wasn't a huge fan of Rikki because she wasn't the nicest twin on the block so when she had her hearbroken i didn't care as much. However, when Rebekkah left broken hearted i wanted to give her a huge hug and offer a phone number of a lesbian i know. *tear*
After the exciting one hour finale of Double Shot, David and i snuggled in spooning face to face and just looked deeply into eachothers eyes. I felt something last night that i haven't felt for another person in a very long time. That feeling was contentment and utter happiness. I expressed to him my feelings where his response was "yes, that's good...i agree" (he doesn't express his feelings very well) but it was amazing. While stroking his hair and kissing him lightly it made me realize how lucky i am to have such an understanding and devoted guy in my life.
Today we ran errands for his mother and we hung out with her later in the afternoon and he would look at me and rub my leg infront of her and it assured me that he was comfortable with me too. I guess actions really do speak louder then words.
Anxiety scale: 2


XoXo

Living in the now...

Over the past year i've been going through a rough patch. I was diagnosed with Anxiety at the age of 12 and was on medication for 2.5 years. In the summer of grade 9 i turned my life around by taking myself off of anti-depressants and going on natural remedies. I was perfectly fine for a solid 4 years with minimal to no anxiety attacks. In January of last year i began dating a guy who we shall name J. He suffered from anxiety too and didn't know how to control it. I lasted in this relationship for about 4.5 months before his anxiety pushed me over board. I'm now in the biggest battle of my life trying to get my life and priorities under control. I'm back on anti-depressants and i go to a Cognitive Behavioural Therapy class once a week (which will be ending this thursday). I'm also currently doing yoga to relax and release any left over stress in my life.

It's a difficult thing to admit that you're not what everyone sees. I look like i'm the girl who has her shit together....when deep down my insides are twisted in so many knots i'm suprised i can move.

It's not all bad though. I have a great job....i recently decided to switch my education around and attend college in the fall. I have a boyfriend who is totally opposite from me in looks and personality yet we still get along great, and suprisingly i've been happy recently. So as of now...no complaints.

"It's like being trapped in a box and you can hear the laughter and fun outside of you, but there's a 500 lbs weight holding you back from escaping that box"

Anxiety.