Feeling the truth...

The comfort that i feel for you and i,

is like the freedom of a young bird about to fly.

Rocky at first then smoother near the end,

my heart starts to flutter when our hands start to mend.

Your eyes send the signal that everything is fine,

and sooner rather then later, i'll feel that in time.

When i'm with you i start to look past today,

although that usually scares me, i feel that it's okay.

We're so incredibly different yet almost the same,

i dont even feel like we're playing a stupid game.

I love that when you're with me, you show the true you

it makes me feel special that that's something you do.

You're kind and sweet and best of all you're mine,

i'm so sure of you and i, that i don't need a sign.

A sign to reinforce that what i'm feeling is real,

because the reality is clear by the way you make me feel.

A wise man once said...

Monday night i got a call from my grandfather around 8 o'clock asking me what i was doing Wednesday. When i replied with, "nothing really" he suggested that him and i go out for lunch. I was a little nervous at first because i thought i was in deep doo doo for something but when he assured me he just missed me, all was good.

I woke up this morning at around 10 30 to meet my grandfather at his condo for 12. We had a nice little lunch in the village at the Village Restaurant (wonder where they got the name?) and had quite an interesting conversation. He told me that he felt like he didn't know a lot about me which i thought was total bogus because i think he knows more then he gives himself credit for. He was asking me all about my social life, my friends, and what i see myself doing for school.

I think we all don't give our g-rents enough credit when it comes to the amount of knowledge they have. My grandfather is an 84 year old immigrant from Hungary. He still works, still plays vollyball every Wednesday, goes out for lunch with his buddies on Thursday afternoons, and is happily (common law wed) to a woman 13 years younger. I say my Apa (grandfather in hungarian) is pimpin!

He was giving me some words of wisdom today about my friends and my social life and it boggled my mind how on the nose he was. I was astonished with how much good advice he was able to give me. We think because our grandparents are so old they don't know the difference between a guy friend and a boyfriend. Now, don't get me wrong, they may not know what the hell an ipod is or know that 50 cent is actually a rapper not two quarters...but they really do know everything!

He said something that really stood out in my head today: "The difference between being born and dying is how you live your life". Now, although my grandfather speaks impecible english...he stumbles sometimes. I think what he really meant was that everyone is born and everyone dies and everyone goes through the same transitions in life. You're born, you're a student, a fiance, a wife, a mother, a grandmother, then you kick the bucket. However, if you have an interest in something and decide to live your life based on those interests and become your own person, you will have an exceptional life.

I think my grandfather wants to be younger then 84 years old but in hindsite he really is. He doesn't sit around like the rest of his friends (who are still living) and talk about the past or "when i was your age" nonsense. He lives life for today not yesterday or tomorrow. I think that's something we should all do more often.

I also learned something new today. As i've mentioned in my previous posts that i'm named after my grandmother and i'm apparently exactly like her. Well i learned today that he favourite tea was Earl Grey. And i've just recently become obsessed with that tea. Once again...the littlest things bring me closer to a woman who i don't even know...yet i feel so incredibly attached too.

Anxiety Scale: 4.3

xoxo

Hear the windchime sing...

As i sit in my living room with the sun on my face, steaming tea in my mug, a book to my right, and my windchime playing a new tune with every gust of wind, i can't help but feel content. I suffer from Anxiety and every thought that enters my mind is a negative one. However, when there are days like today when although our ground is covered in a white powder and the wind feels like it's throwing ninja stars at your face, you can't help but smile at how lucky we really are. As mentioned above, i constantly think negatively with my anxiety. The littlest thing i blow out of proportion especially when it's related to any form of stomach discomfort. I just lost a family friend who was 8 months pregnant, felt uncomfortable and went to the doctor to get it checked out. After the second visit she insisted that the doctors take a closer look at her. They decided to deliver the baby prematurely and was devastated to find out the baby was a still-born. One week later she found out that she is in stage 4 of pancreatic cancer. Elise died Saturday night.

When you hear stories like this, or have to face them, you can't help but realize how lucky we really are. Yes i have an anxiety issue that tends to hold me back on occasion, but things could be so much worse. There are people who are losing their jobs out there in the world because of the recession, people are sick and dying all over the world, and there are people who are living on the streets in this cold weather while i'm inside in a warm cozy house.

People are so caught up in the world of high fashion and glamour and superficial non-sense that they don't sit back to think about how lucky they really are. I've never been the type of person who was into the Hollywood lifestyle and i was never into what I was wearing or owned. I don't know if it's the way i was brought up, or it's because i've been chewed up and spit out a few times in my life that i've learned there's more important things to bitch about. However, with this rough patch i've been dealing with the past year i seem to forget to adore the simplicity of life.

For example: my windchime outside...i'm blessed that i can actually hear the beautiful melody it plays. The view of my street outside as a stare out the window...i'm blessed that i can view our snowy town of Toronto. Typing away on my computer being able to create sentences....i'm blessed to have been educated in my life that writing and typing and speaking is something that i was taught and was honoured enough to be taught by fantastic people.

I know an incredible man named Rob who i've had the pleasure of not only calling him my friend but i had the pleasure of calling him my boyfriend for a short time. He taught me to see the beauty around me. He lost his mother at the age of 4 and since then he's learned to cherish every moment and every person in his life. He once told me that if he could...he'd want to be deaf for a week, blind for a week, and handicapped for a week, just to experience what these people have to experience in a lifetime. I thought he was crazy...i told him that he should be happy that he doesn't have to experience that....but because of the kind of person he his...he wants to share others pain so he can really be there for them in mind, body and spirit.

I love Rob more then words can possibly ever describe. For a long time i only hoped that i could show him a glimpse of my love and happiness that he has brought me over the years. For his 23rd birthday i bought him a star. I named the star after his late mother Diana and made sure it was in the coordinates of her horoscope. The reaction i received from him that day will bring me happiness till the day i die. This just goes to show you how the simplest things can bring the utmost happiness and how lucky we are to experience that happiness while others can't.

It's hard to think this everyday but if i'm ever feeling down about myself or anxious or unhappy...i'd like to look back and realize how amazing i really do have it. I have an amazing family, my health, my happiness, my friends, my boyfriend....and of course....that beautiful windchime that sings outside my front door.

Sun in my face, wind in my hair...

Well it's a beautiful sunny Monday morning yet it is EFFING freezing!!! I'm currently sitting in my family room with my pup Jake, (watching him sun bathe in the morning sun) and with a mug of tea in hand. With all this beauty i can't help but think how lucky we all are to have the pleasure of enjoying a sunny day.

Last night i had the pleasure of being accompanied by my lovely bf as we watched the 81st annual Academy Awards. Hugh Jackman, looking as dashing as ever, did an excellent job as host. Even with those extremely tacky musical numbers...he did a superb job. Button did a pretty good job cleaning up, but of course, Slumdog took the cake with best picture. By the way! i totally loved that Zac Efron and Vanessa were there looking adorable and loving. I was disgusted by the fact that when Jennifer Aniston was presenting an award with Jack Black...the camera man HAD TO zoom on over to Brad and Angelina...ew! why waste my perfectly good eye site on such a stupid couple...grr! Although, when good ol' ano angie didn't win best actress...i leaped for joy...stupid bitch...ahem!. For those of you who don't know...i'm a team Aniston fan forever and always!

Now as David and i were snuggling together watching the Oscars...one thing in particular really caught my attention...the short film category. Some homie made a 14 minute movie on pigs or something and won an Oscar. So, David and i decided to have an upcoming project...make our own 15 minute movie...and kick ass at the next year Oscars! woot!! wish us luck!!!

ps: did anyone ever notice that the oscar statue is kind of a babe...hmm... haha!

Anxiety Log:

Been pretty anxious lately...although i'm sure it's from Charlie and his lovely monthly visit. Today is a better day....going to try and keep myself occupied with errands and what not.

Anxiety-5

xoxo

Chasing Pavements

*Sigh* Valentines day...the day couples love...the day singles dread.
I on the other hand don't remember the last time i was single on Valentines day...which is really sad now that i think about it. Last Valentines day i was asked to be someones official girlfriend, and now i'm in a new relationship and about to spend the lovely Hallmark holiday with someone new.
Problem: Finding a gift for a guy!!! now luckily i found the perfect gift but i don't have the money right now which really sucks so I'm going for Plan B. I would say what it is...but just in case the beau realizes i have a blog i refuse to mention the gift till after the 14Th.
Problem 2: I'm working the whole weekend and it's going to be a busy one for us at that. Apparently people need to buy cakes on Valentines day?? i think it's strange but because this love filled day falls on a weekend, my boss thinks it'll be busy. Some how i have to pump myself with caffeine in order to survive this weekend in one piece and look good while doing so for the boyfriend.

Anxiety Log:
Well things were going pretty well. However, Thursday which funny enough was the last day of my CBT class i was incredibly anxious. Friday i felt the brunt of it with symptoms of exhaustion and stomach tightness. Thankfully i got over it however i have been really stressed and anxious lately. This is probably due to some minor stomach issues that of course i blow out of proportion. I just still don't understand why i have this ridiculous fear of vomiting. Like i know my stomach never felt well as a kid but it's not like i was throwing up my whole childhood. Every once in a while I'll get this visual in my head that at this moment what if i throw up? what then? After all the therapy and countless discussions...i still can't figure it out. I know how to deal with anxiety better and i can tell the difference between what's anxiety and what's not.
I just find it hilarious what stress can do to a person. I'm convinced it killed my grandmother and i refuse to let it do the same to me!

Sidenote:
GRAMMYS! Jennifer Hudson= Amazing!!! Adele winning a grammy = best moment ever! and *drum roll* Blink 182 getting back together :D :D :D


Anxiety Scale: 5.3

Sleeping with eyes wide open

Last night my boyfriend David came over for a little movie date and snuggle fest. We watched Slumdog Millionaire which was absolutely sublime! I completely agree with the academy for nominating this film for best picture. The scenes were unreal and the acting was superb. The story line was also mind boggling and the whole movie was just breathtaking.
After watching this terrific film, we snuggled in with oranges in hand and watched the finale of our sectret obsession Double Shot at Love. The lovely Ikki twins finally found love however, one Ikki twin wasn't so lucky and had her heart broken. Now...i wasn't a huge fan of Rikki because she wasn't the nicest twin on the block so when she had her hearbroken i didn't care as much. However, when Rebekkah left broken hearted i wanted to give her a huge hug and offer a phone number of a lesbian i know. *tear*
After the exciting one hour finale of Double Shot, David and i snuggled in spooning face to face and just looked deeply into eachothers eyes. I felt something last night that i haven't felt for another person in a very long time. That feeling was contentment and utter happiness. I expressed to him my feelings where his response was "yes, that's good...i agree" (he doesn't express his feelings very well) but it was amazing. While stroking his hair and kissing him lightly it made me realize how lucky i am to have such an understanding and devoted guy in my life.
Today we ran errands for his mother and we hung out with her later in the afternoon and he would look at me and rub my leg infront of her and it assured me that he was comfortable with me too. I guess actions really do speak louder then words.
Anxiety scale: 2


XoXo

Living in the now...

Over the past year i've been going through a rough patch. I was diagnosed with Anxiety at the age of 12 and was on medication for 2.5 years. In the summer of grade 9 i turned my life around by taking myself off of anti-depressants and going on natural remedies. I was perfectly fine for a solid 4 years with minimal to no anxiety attacks. In January of last year i began dating a guy who we shall name J. He suffered from anxiety too and didn't know how to control it. I lasted in this relationship for about 4.5 months before his anxiety pushed me over board. I'm now in the biggest battle of my life trying to get my life and priorities under control. I'm back on anti-depressants and i go to a Cognitive Behavioural Therapy class once a week (which will be ending this thursday). I'm also currently doing yoga to relax and release any left over stress in my life.

It's a difficult thing to admit that you're not what everyone sees. I look like i'm the girl who has her shit together....when deep down my insides are twisted in so many knots i'm suprised i can move.

It's not all bad though. I have a great job....i recently decided to switch my education around and attend college in the fall. I have a boyfriend who is totally opposite from me in looks and personality yet we still get along great, and suprisingly i've been happy recently. So as of now...no complaints.

"It's like being trapped in a box and you can hear the laughter and fun outside of you, but there's a 500 lbs weight holding you back from escaping that box"

Anxiety.